


Oakdale

by Seajellybaby



Series: The LA Series [15]
Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Angst, Drama, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Soap Opera
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:28:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 37,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22926448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seajellybaby/pseuds/Seajellybaby
Summary: The LA Series is my attempt to continue the Luke and Noah story from the finale onward.  I have tried to keep as true to the original show as possible.  I hope you enjoy it.As these stories are part of a series I have rated them all as mature - Just to be safe
Relationships: Noah Mayer/Luke Snyder
Series: The LA Series [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601257
Comments: 7
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

_He entered the lavish bedroom like he always did... expressionless... silent. His golden eyes surveyed the room with the usual disinterest. He sniffed once; ran a hand through his shiny hair. It was a hot day and Troy’s mouth watered at the way the man's work shirt clung seductively to his back; highlighted the thick set of his shoulder blades. He loved the way the ends of his curls were damp against his neck._

_“I only have an hour before my next meeting so…” he spoke matter-of-factly; turned and simultaneously pulled at the shirt that was neatly tucked into his trousers... periodically revealed tantalizing areas of stomach muscle and hair._

_Troy burned to touch him._

_Troy nodded without emotion. He knew the drill... no talking... just action. He removed his own t-shirt; unbuckled the belt around his jeans... they instantly sagged around his skinny waistline. He knew he’d lost weight. It had become difficult to eat. Actually it had slowly become difficult to do anything except suffer the throb in the pit of his stomach; the ache in his heart. He had fallen. Oh yes! He had fallen hard. And now all he could do was wait for these moments... few and far between... as necessary as breathing. Usually he could buy what he needed, but money couldn’t get him this… money couldn’t buy him._

_Troy watched spellbound as the man of his dreams freed the last button of his blue-collared shirt. The blonde was about to pull the material from his back when Troy held up his hands and said, “Let me?”_

_The other man eyed him for a moment... frowning... but then relented and waited... inert... arms at his sides... for Troy to reverently remove the shirt sleeves. As Troy moved around the man's back he came face-to-face with him; pure desire shooting through Troy like a bullet. He wanted to kiss this man. He wanted to lay a kiss on those soft lips more than he’d ever wanted anything in his life. But he didn’t. He never had. By now he knew the rules... unspoken... unwritten on any surface he knew of, but existing just the same._

_“You’re really tense,” Troy whispered, swallowing hard. He was always afraid to make the wrong move... say the wrong thing. If he did, the blonde would leave. He’d left before. “Lie down and I’ll give you a massage.”_

_There was a hare’s breath when he thought he’d made a mistake, but he let the air go when the blonde lay stomach-down on the black satin sheets of Troy’s king-sized bed. Troy almost tripped as he rushed to join him, rubbing his hands together with a blob of oil from the jar by the bed. He smoothed his hands up each thigh, pushing up between the man's legs ever so slightly. The blonde’s gasp his reward as Troy's hands moved to the broad back, running his thumbs up the spine to his shoulder blades. Knees straddling him, Troy went expertly to work at the knots in his back, paying careful attention to each tense spot, pressing his fingers hard with practiced precision. He'd performed this act countless of times before. He'd used this skill to seduce countless men and women. But none of them... not a one... had ever left him feeling like this._

_Lost._

_Confused._

_Alone._

_Yet utterly safe and ecstatic all at the same time._

_He only had himself to blame. He was the one to seduce this beautiful man. Troy sought_ him _out; pursued him relentlessly... never letting up. Troy sensed the danger within him, the buried emotions he was trying to escape from. Troy used to his advantage; had promised this man a world with no feelings... just two friends (where they even that?) and an occasional bout of pure unadulterated lust. Troy designed the relationship to what it was now._

_The sounds eliciting from the other man as Troy rubbed his back were driving Troy crazy, making him hard and ready. So during his ministrations, he leaned over with his arm to draw the blond back by his right shoulder, just enough to make room for Troy's other hand to slide surreptitiously from the man’s back to his belly; down to find the hardness below. The body weight pressed his kneading hand down into the mattress. He was rewarded with a guttural groan. He spent some time there blindly exploring... breathing deeply... enjoying himself. His eyes fell to the tight backside… God, but he just wanted to pound right in there! But he held back, wanting to extend the short time he’d be allowed with him._

_He knelt up to pull the man onto his back. Troy dipped his head to start licking at his length... using his tongue on that most sensitive of spots... gently moving his hand up and down. The blonde moaned; arched his back as Troy widened his mouth to take all of him; slowly pushed his mouth down and then back up... gradually increasing the pace and rhythm._

_“Shit! Shit!” the blonde moaned, thrashing about... squeezing handfuls of sheet and mattress between his fingers. Troy felt the other man's hands on his hair, pulling the long brown strands in fistfuls till it hurt. It hurt so good!_

_Then the moans became words, “Stop… Stop…”_

_Troy obliged, knowing it was time. He had spoken. Troy knew what he wanted. The reason he came at all. But Troy was determined. He made up his mind that this time it would be different. So as the body under him attempted to roll back around, Troy hooked it firmly between his thighs._

_“Let go!” Realizing Troy’s intent, the brown eyes burned a fiery red of warning._

_Troy looked at him; tried to gauge him. But there was no relenting in the eyes. He was serious. Sighing Troy gave in; slackened his grip so the blonde could turn around... like he always did... kneeling up on the sheets, placing both hands flat against the cold wall in front of him… waiting. Waiting for a cold, unfeeling fuck from behind by a person he didn’t care about. No eye contact during the act. Another of the rules._

_Troy fumbled with the condom; oiled himself up. He placed one hand on the waiting shoulder blade... pushed hard... buried his way inside the man's heat in one swift movement. He grabbed the solid waist with his other hand... quickly built up steam and urgency._

_His beautiful moans... music to Troy’s ears... filled the space of his bedroom. Troy took the opportunity to grasp him around his waist; bite into the soft flesh of his neck. As he surrendered, Troy felt the shock-wave travel through his amazing body; felt his own legs buckle under him as he exploded inside him. They both fell forward;_ _lay panting for a few minutes. He savored those minutes... smelling in the country and whiskey scent of him... knowing they wouldn’t last. And just as expected, the man left the sweat-soaked bed to shower and change._

_As he headed for the door Troy said, “Will I see you tomorrow?”_

_The blonde stopped... never once looked back... his hand already on the doorknob. “I don’t think so.” There was a great deal of sadness in his voice. Not for the first time, Troy wondered at the story behind that._

_Troy lay prone on the bed, watching him leave again._

***

Nicholas was a chatterbox.

It was as if they had pulled a plug, and now all the words he’d stored up in his little body came flooding out in strings of often unintelligible sentences.

“Remind me again why we encouraged the talking?” Luke would sometimes joke, especially after a manic day at the temporary Grimaldi Shipping offices.

“When will Luke be home?” Nicholas would ask Noah every hour of every day.

“Later” or “soon” would be Noah’s standard response.

“Yes but _when_?”

It always made Noah laugh. The child had absolutely no concept of time, so it was a question Noah had no hope of ever answering... at least not for a couple of years. Time was simply an impossible concept to explain to a four year old, when to him ten minutes could feel like ten days.

But finally they would hear Luke’s car drive up, the headlights briefly illuminating the room. Nicholas would wait by the door like an expectant kitten.

“Luke!” he’d yell, flying into the exhausted man, gripping around his knees; almost knocking him over in his enthusiasm. “Did you know I saw Smurfs today? Did you know they’re _blue_? They’re funny!” A giggle, and Luke would just open his mouth to speak and then, “Where’ve you been? I waited and waited! Noah helped me paint! We made a rainbow! Wanna see?”

After a couple of responses along the lines of “really” and “you did” and “I was working baby,” Luke would make it over to the couch, where he’d collapse in a heap; expel an audible “Oof” as the child unintentionally kicked or punched his belly in an effort to clamber on top of him.

Generally Noah would watch this daily exchange from his work space at the table, waiting for Nicholas to calm down enough to allow him his turn. Only then could he walk over; bend to kiss Luke with a gentle, “Hi.”

But Noah knew there was also an anxiety in the waiting. He knew Nicholas never fully trusted that Luke would return. In fact the anxiety was there no matter which of them went out, even if it was just to run a five minute errand. They knew that eventually he would settle... be more confident... but in the meantime Noah had resumed working from home, putting off returning to full-time at the studio. It was an impossible combination... work and a four year old... and he knew it couldn’t last for long. A better solution would have to found.

Betty had been by a few times to make her regulatory reports, and she had already suggested they enroll Nicholas in some kind of toddler play group as soon as possible. “He will have to start kindergarten in less than a year’s time, and he isn’t used to being around strangers or other children.”

They were wary. At the moment there were only four people Nicholas would even talk to, the other two being Jasmine and Joshua. He didn’t seem to know how to respond to other children from what they could tell. They were afraid for him. They didn’t want him to end up lonely because he couldn’t make friends his own age. But they also knew how terrified he would be if they ever left him with strangers.

Noah was just musing over this problem for the one hundredth time, when Luke interrupted his thoughts by saying, “I really think this child needs a haircut.”

Noah laughed. “Yep! You may be right! He’s starting to look less like me and more like you!”

“Shut up!” Luke sniggered good naturedly, smoothing Nicholas' long black curls back with both his hands.

Kneeling across Luke’s thighs, Nicholas looked suddenly scandalized. “Jasmine says you must never say shut up!”

“She does?” Luke asked.

“Yep! And she says you must never call someone stupid!”

“Well Jasmine’s one smart lady, don't you think?”

“Yep! And I’m smart too!”

Luke laughed. “Yes you are.”

“And Noah’s smart and Luke’s smart also!”

“What about Joshua?”

Nicholas' tiny forehead crinkled in concentration. “Um... Joshua’s _big_!”

Noah laughed from the other side of the room. “You don’t think Joshua’s smart?” he asked.

“I guess. He doesn’t talk much.” Nicholas' eyes fell on the knot in Luke’s tie; his tiny fingers started to fumble at it.

Noah joined them on the couch and said, “Well I think he’s very smart because he brought you to us.”

Nicholas' smile was gorgeous. “Oh Yeah! He _is_ very smart!”

“So what do you think kid,” asked Luke, bringing them all back to the first topic of conversation, “do we get you a haircut?”

Nicholas... not having a clue what a haircut was... simply shrugged as he continued to play with Luke’s tie. “I don’t know what is it.” He did what came natural to all children his age, he imitated Luke’s previous gesture; pushed Luke’s long bangs back and out of his eyes.

“Well maybe we can ask my mom to do it while we’re visiting the farm,” Luke suggested, more to Noah than to Nicholas. “She always cuts mine. That’s if Nicky over here let’s her!” He leaned in nose-to-nose with the child, pulling a funny face and making him chuckle.

Noah could have cried they were so cute. He was looking forward to the week away in Oakdale, even if he was a little nervous about introducing Nicholas to the the rest of Luke's family. “What do you think they’ll say?” he asked Luke tentatively. “About…?” and he gestured toward Nicholas.

Luke shrugged. “No idea! But I figure it best not to try to explain it over the phone. When they see us together they’ll understand better I think.”

“I hope so.”

Luke smiled at him. “Do you know what I’m hoping?”

Noah laid his head back on the couch as he looked at Luke. “What’s that?”

“I’m hoping we’ll be able to sneak some A-L-O-N-E time while we’re there! God, but I _really_ miss you!”

Noah cupped his cheek and grinned. “Me too!”

Nicholas... watching this exchange with interest... frowned at them in confusion. “But he’s right here, silly Luke!”

***

_The first time was in his office._

_Troy snuck in unannounced; locked the door behind him._

_“What are you doing?”_

_“Looking for you?” Troy replied in his most practiced silken voice. “I could hear you thinking about me all the way from my bedroom.”_

_The man’s hazel eyes fixed on him and Troy saw it there... that look he’d seen before. That look that spurred him on... lust... desire... pure sexuality trying to break free. He leaned back against the man’s desk right where he was seated, studying some boring piece of paperwork. Troy crossed his feet in a relaxed stance; eyed the blonde meaningfully up and down. Seduction was his middle name. He knew how to get what he wanted. He could tell the blonde was already hot and bothered by his presence… horny as hell!_

_From their first meeting, Troy sensed it there... a rage! A fiery beast seething under the surface. Angry at… Troy didn’t know what. But yes, this guy was pissed off about something all right... just fit to bursting with frustration. Frustration Troy was working to turn into lust._

_Surprisingly the guy didn’t move as Troy leaned forward, feeling the heat emanating from his skin._ _“Sometimes it’s just sex." Troy whispered in his ear, taking the lobe in his teeth; biting down until he heard the gasp of air from his conquest. The man’s hands turned white as he gripped the handles of his chair. “Why don’t you just let it all go?”_

_Something about those words got to him; the blonde stood quickly. He pushed Troy back into the table, loomed over him, his breathing hard and erratic. Troy could see the pain... the fight going on in his eyes... as he tried to control urges that went against the old fashioned ethics he had set for himself._

_“Do it!” Troy encouraged, but the man backed away... right back against the wall._

_“I want you to go,” he said._

_Troy just smiled; walked over to him... removed his own shirt on the way to reveal the hard nipples beneath. He didn’t fail to catch the man glance downward... the licking of his lips. Yep, this guy was horny as hell!_

_Troy moved closer... the blonde’s breath growing heavier with each approaching step. He looked so damned hot that Troy wanted nothing more than to bend him over and do him right there and then, but this one required patience. Troy carefully ran his hand up the inside of the man's leg, making him wince with the longing to burst from his trousers... likely feeling very tight inside his briefs. Breathing into his ear, Troy unzipped him... released the hardness... touched him ever so slightly, but enough to make him harder still._

_Dropping, Troy wrapped his mouth around him, taking most of him in; sucked with practiced ease. He could feel the other body responding to him. He could hear the breaths and groans from above. The man made no move to touch him... no effort to encourage Troy further. Troy didn't mind. First he would release the angry beast he sensed within... and then that same beast would seek him out for more. He might have to wait… but it would come._

***

Lucinda was the last person to receive her hello hug and kiss from Luke as they stood in the farm kitchen. She’d just spent an hour waiting with Emma, Lily and Holden for them to arrive by hire car. They were perplexed by Luke’s request that the four of them... and only the four of them... meet them in this clandestine manner.

“I can’t imagine why you had to go and hire a car, Luke,” Lily exclaimed again. “I mean, you know one of us would be happy to collect you from the airport?”

“Yes, I know Mom but…”

“And where’s Noah?” she looked either side of him, as though she expected Noah to suddenly materialize out of thin air. “I thought you two were coming together?” She was visibly disappointed.

“We did. He’s right outside.”

“What?” asked Emma. “Well, what’s the poor boy doing out there? Why doesn’t he come inside?”

“Luke,” Lily frowned, “you two aren’t having problems again are you?”

Holden’s forehead crinkled along with hers.

“No! No! Mom, Dad, all of you…” and he eyed the four of them one by one. “It’s just... we have somebody we’d like you to meet.”

“Well now I _am_ intrigued!” stated Lucinda, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Okay, wait a moment.” Luke hurried outside; reappeared a moment later with Noah in tow. Clinging to Luke's taller boyfriend, was a handsome, if rather reluctant young boy.

“Everyone... this is Nicholas. Nicholas Mayer. Nicky for short.” Luke’s grin stretched proudly from ear to ear.

“Hi,” Noah greeted them carefully.

Lily looked like she was about to faint, so Holden grabbed her elbows. Both Emma and Lucinda stared, mouths agape.

Lucinda’s hand came up to cover her mouth. “Well,” she said, walking forward to closely examine the boy. “Well! I’ll be damned! Are you telling me that Noah’s a father?” She directed the question at Luke, but then turned to Noah slightly accusatory, scaring him a little. “Did you neglect to tell us you had a son?”

“Grandmother,” Luke exclaimed, “he’s not Noah’s son! He’s his cousin.”

Lucinda looked instantly embarrassed while a peek over her shoulder revealed a rather relieved looking Lily.

“Oh, my apologies Noah!” Lucinda begged. “I should know you better then that, shouldn’t I?” She patted his shoulder.

“It’s okay," Noah assured her. “Even Luke thought that at first.”

Luke turned a bright red at that and Lucinda laughed. “I’m sure it must have shocked the life out of him! But I must say, the child does share a striking resemblance. It’s almost uncanny!”

Luke leaned in closer to Nicholas, who had his face pressed against Noah’s chest. “Nicky, this is Grandma Lucinda.”

“Very pleased to meet you young man.”

“And this,” Luke continued, motioning to Noah that he should follow him, “is Grandma Emma. This is her farmhouse.”

“Welcome sweetheart! And aren’t you just the cutest button?”

Nicholas stared wide-eyed at her, not really sure how to react.

“And these two lovely people are my Mommy and Daddy, but you can call them Gran and Grandpa if you like.”

Both Holden and Lily’s eyebrows raised instantly in suspicion.

“Well,” Holden finally spoke from the kitchen table, where he’d helped Lily take a seat, “if you’re going to turn us into instant grandparents, then I think we need to hear the rest of this story.”

“Noah,” Lily asked, confusion written all over her face, “whose child is this?”

“Well legally... at the moment... he’s mine.”

“But spiritually he’s ours.” Luke smiled at them.

“What?” Lucinda and Emma exclaimed in unison.

“It’s… It’s a-a really long story,” Noah stuttered. “The thing is we-we…” He looked over to Luke for help, brow furrowed as he struggled for words.

Luke placed an arm around Noah. He caught Noah’s hand in his own, squeezing his fingers gently. “The thing is, we love him and we’re fighting for custody. That’s all you really need to know right now. We’ll explain the rest later.” He made sure they knew he didn’t want to speak in front of the boy.

Noah eyed him with appreciation.

There was a long silence in the kitchen while the news was absorbed. Finally... with a sigh... Lily stood to stare at the three of them. Her son’s handsome shoulders moved in the smallest of shrugs; a cheek dimpled near the corner of his mouth the way it had always done, ever since he was a small boy himself. She shook her head in defeat and laughed, kissing both men and smiling at the child. “Hello Nicky! Welcome to the family.”

***

_Just as Troy knew he would, the blonde came to him the second time. Troy opened mansion’s front door wondering who it could be. People they knew usually used the side entrance._

_The man burned with an energy of pure determination and desire. Troy held back a knowing smile, not wanting to change the charge of the mood._

_The blonde stood before him on the doorstep... chest rising and falling as though he'd run there. Their eyes were locked in a lustful fire and Troy knew he had won!_

_With a force from the gods, he was flung upon... pushed across the entrance hall and hard into the opposite wall... almost causing an antique painting to crash down. Eyes locked, the blonde began to remove Troy’s clothing. Troy caught his hands to stop him._

_The blonde fought him but Troy held firm._ _“Not here! We have housekeepers. Follow me.” He led the man by his wrist up the stairs to the bedroom, stopping on the way to close the front door._

***

There was really only one fancy restaurant in Oakdale... at least it was what the locals would consider fancy. It was pretty expensive as far as the other restaurants in the area went. It was the kind of place you visited to celebrate some special event... a birthday or engagement. The restaurant was situated above a row of boutique shops. Glass fronted and elevated as it was, it had a wonderful view over Olde Town.

And it was under this restaurant that Luke walked later that same night. Holden had left to drop Lily and Lucinda off at home; Lily promising to bring the kids around to meet Nicholas in the morning. Emma was already in bed when Nicholas developed a stomach ailment. Not wanting to wake Emma to ask for medication, Luke drove to Olde Town to drop by the twenty-four hour chemist.

He held the white paper chemist bag to his chest as he skipped quickly through town on his way back to the hire car. He just happened to glance up at the restaurant, noting it must be closing time, since the waiters were in the process of upturning chairs onto table tops.

And that was when their eyes met.

Luke started. The other man was not a waiter. He was the owner’s son. Sometimes he would watch the restaurant when the usual manger was off sick or away on holiday. Not because he had to, but because he wanted to. Luke thought he liked the company. The man’s eyes showed at first surprise, then shock… pain… and then changed to something Luke struggled to understand, but it was close to… loathing perhaps? Or anger?

Luke for his part flushed an instant red; did the only thing he could in that situation... he smiled uncomfortably and lifted his free hand in a half wave… a kind of guilty hello.

The man’s response was to slam the chair he was in the process of lifting hard onto the table before him, and then to disappear into the heart of the restaurant where Luke could no longer see him.

Luke stared at his shoes for a moment... grappling with memory... then he shook the thoughts off; continued on his way back to Noah and Nicholas.

It didn’t matter. None of that mattered anymore…


	2. Chapter 2

They walked hand-in-hand through the morning chill; followed the well-manicured path of Emma’s lower garden. It was reasonably mild for late winter; although there were no flowers, the green plants stood firm and proud against the winter sunshine.

Nicholas had them up since dawn. Waking up in a strange place, he was momentarily spooked. Luke was made to bolt down the hall; follow his screams. “Hey baby, what’s the matter?” The child had sniffed several times at him from underneath the comforter... swallowing sobs... his eyes swollen and red. Luke sat beside him on the bed; hugged him close. “We’re at the farm, remember? We’re sleeping right next door, okay? So if you wake up you can come and find us. Nobody will hurt you here. Okay, baby?”

Nicholas nodded, his mood already much improved. “I’m hungry!”

Luke laughed. The boy’s appetite was always astounding.

“Well,” he said, “I can already smell Grandma Emma’s oatmeal porridge cooking downstairs! Let’s get dressed and maybe after breakfast Noah will come with us for a walk. What do you say?”

“Yeah!”

Now... bellies full... the three of them strolled in-step and in silence, just enjoying each other’s company. Nicholas broke his hold on Luke’s hand to skip up ahead, periodically hopping on a log or large stone and jumping off with a cry of, “Wee!”

Luke could hear the whisper of Noah’s jeans beside him, feel the humid warmth of his body; smell the musky scent of him… that scent that made Luke want to drag him from his thoughts onto the grass, un-belt him and pull the clinging shirt from his body; press his own chest to his... lie half-naked with him among the flowerbeds.

If Nicholas wasn’t around he might have done.

“What are you thinking about?” asked Noah, suddenly forcing Luke back to the present. His eyes met Noah’s with a crooked smile.

Noah’s laugh was deep and masculine. “You know, you have _it_ written all over your face right now?”

Luke grasped Noah tight; breathed in deep... pressed himself hard into him. Laughing suddenly... purely from sheer happiness... he kissed Noah thoroughly, his hands carefully exploring the outlines of Noah’s snugly confined rear. He squeezed gently, making Noah squirm against him. The air rapidly became charged. Electric, like summer lightening.

“You’d better watch what you’re doing to me, Snyder,” Noah mumbled; their mouths still glued together. “It might be a while before Nicholas is comfortable enough with your family for us to slip away.”

Luke let out a groan of disappointment; disentangled himself from Noah’s body. “Urg! You know I love that kid, but this is a killer!”

Noah smiled at him. “Yeah. Reminds me of the days when we had to follow Emma’s rules, remember?”

“This is _so_ much worse!”

“Really, why’s that?”

Luke took both of Noah’s hands in his... kissed the top of them... locked his gaze. “Because now I _really_ know what I’m missing...”

Noah gave him a soft smile that melted his heart.

“Look-it,” Nicholas suddenly interrupted from below, “I founded this river!” He gestured at the bendy stream behind him with pride.

“That’s great,” Noah agreed, as Luke slipped both his arms around Noah's waist; rested his head on Noah's chest. “Just be careful, okay? Those stones can be slippery!”

They watched entangled in each other’s arms, as Nicholas crossed the stepping stones with concentration, hopping from one to another across the shallow waters of the stream. Standing on a particularly mossy one, his foot slipped and landed with a loud splash into the stream. He looked up at them all doe-eyed, lifted a finger to his lips and yelped, “Oops!”

“Good thing we put the gumboots on him!” Noah laughed; enjoyed the vibration of Luke’s body as he laughed along with him.

“Those rocks can be tricky little suckers if you don’t watch your step, son!” Holden stood on the other side of the stream, a saddle hooked over his arm.

Nicholas stared at him with his usual look of uncertainty, but there was something about the older man that seemed to spark his interest. He turned to Luke and Noah; pointed toward Holden.

“What is it Nicky?” Noah asked, but he knew the child wouldn’t speak with Holden around.

Nicholas pointed again; crinkled his forehead as he returned to glance at Holden.

“Is it this?” Holden asked, lifting the saddle slightly. “It’s for Admiral. I was just about to take him for his morning exercise. Would you like to come?”

Seeing his perplexed expression Noah said, “Admiral’s a horse, sweetheart. Do you want to go and see him? There are lots of other horses too?”

Nicholas made his shy way back toward them, hopping from stone to stone and landing on the soft muddy bank. He looked back-and-forth between Holden and the two men; finally he nodded. But he didn’t make a move to approach Holden.

Noah smiled in that sweet way that made Luke’s stomach flutter. “Do you want me to go with you?”

Nicholas beamed wide and nodded with excitement.

“Coming?” Noah asked, turning to Luke.

“I need to call Gareth, but you go. I’ll see you back at the house in an hour or two.”

“Okay,” Noah kissed his cheek; half ran down the slopping bank to join Nicholas. “Let’s go, kid!”

Luke watched contented... hands in his pockets... as Nicholas and Noah made their way over the stream; joined Holden on his way to the barn. The child turned briefly to waved and Luke returned the gesture, his heart beating hard with the love he felt for them.

***

_He licked the salt from his thumb; knocked back the shot... squeezed the lemon quickly between his teeth, sucking in the juices. He stared back into the crowd of people in the club, but it wasn’t working. He could still hear the whispered breath, the beloved words... he could still see the gentle smile and dark hair. Images flashed through his mind in time to the strobe lighting on the dance floor._

Stop!

_He clenched his teeth; his drink-fueled body swaying, making his stomach burn. Turning back to the barman he shouted over the music, pointing at the empty shot glass, “Another!”_

_“Are you sure?” the guy yelled back. “That'll be your eighth one!”_

_“Just pour the fucking drink!” he shouted firmly._

_“Okay! One more, then I'm cutting you off!”_

_“Whatever!” he muttered to himself; slipped on the stool catching his elbows on the ends of the bar... used them to pull himself up again. His feet felt like rubber. He shook his head; slapped some cash on the counter, swallowing the next shot... not bothering with the salt and lemon this time._

_Knowing his time was up… at this bar at least… he made his way through the thick and hot crowd of dancing bodies, heading for the exit. On the way he felt two firm hands wrap around his waist; a man’s hardness rub up against his thigh from behind. The man... whoever he was... gyrated their hips together in time to the music. He closed his eyes; allowed his body to fall back into the anonymous chest behind him. The music drifted through his consciousness and he started to forget. He could feel himself on the edge of the oblivion for which he was so desperately seeking... so close and then… the man behind him took hold of his chin; tried to move his head around for a kiss._

No!

_He flung himself loose; turned to punch the guy squarely in his jaw!_

_Holding his swollen face in one hand, the looked at him in shock. “What the fuck, man? What the hell was that for?”_

_Then two men were pulling him backward through the throng of amazed onlookers and out into the street._ _“Don’t come back 'til you’ve sobered up!” one of them warned, while the other took up residence... arms folded... in the doorway._

_“Fine!” he screamed at them. "Your place is fucking lame anyway!" He made his stumbled path down the side alley, but the further he got form the crowd and the music the more the memories started to inch their way back in._

_“ARRRHHHGGG!”_

_He punched the brick wall hard._

Shit!

_He hugging his injured hand against his chest; fell forward and leaned with the top of his head against the wall. Then he threw up. He was vaguely aware of the blood, but it was good. Maybe it would kill him..._

_He remembered one time getting drunk and Noah hunting around town to find him._

Shit!

_He needed to find Troy right way._

_“Troy!” he yelled._

Where they hell is he?

_Didn’t they come together? He couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember anything except the thing he wanted to forget… the damn past!_

_That face..._

_That smile..._

_That touch..._

_That voice…_

_“Troy!” he roared again, making the young couple passing him in the alley scuttle for their lives._

_“I’m over here…”_

_Luke squinted up the alleyway; spotted Troy leaning up against the wall. He stood under a lamppost, smoking a cigarette in that elegant manor he’d learned from years of growing up among the elite._

_Luke collapsed into the guy; ripped the cigarette from his fingers, throwing it away somewhere behind him... fumbled awkwardly at the guy’s jeans._

_“Here?” Troy asked, astounded._

_Luke was beyond caring where they did it. He forced his knee up between Troy’s legs, making his urgency clear. Troy flung him forward so that his cheek kissed the rough brick of the adjoining building. He heard Troy’s zipper open; closed his eyes... waiting for Troy to take over. The flashes were still there, but they were receding. They would momentarily be replaced by pure lust. It was a temporary fix... he knew from experience... but he couldn’t suffer anymore, and the alcohol wasn’t working._

_“Come on,” he urged, “hurry up!”_

_He was just helping Troy by undoing his own belt, when he heard a well-known authoritative female voice he both loved and feared._ _“Do you mind telling me just_ what in the world _is going on here?”_

_As Troy instantly backed away from him with shame, he was left with the blurred vision of her before him. His head bobbed at her, and he let it fall back against the brick to help steady it. His legs gave out, and he slumped to the floor, back up against the wall... eyes closed._

***

“Yes, okay,” Luke spoke into his phone; lifted his head as Lucinda entered the kitchen door. He mouthed hello, and she smiled at him as he continued with his conversation. “I can’t thank you enough! That’s brilliant news, really! So, we’ll sort everything out when I get back from Oakdale?”

Lucinda removed her coat; struggled to find a free hook by the door, so opted for a kitchen chair to hang it on instead.

“Oh, he’s fine. Great actually! He’s really chatty and he keeps us on our toes. Listen Gareth, I must go… yes… yes I will… Thanks again! I know I’ve said it before, but you really are the best! Okay, bye.”

As he hung up, he immediately stood up from his chair to kiss Lucinda on her cheek. “Morning Grandmother.”

“Morning, darling. I hope I didn’t just interrupt an important phone call?”

“Oh, no. We were done talking anyway. That was Gareth Buckley, the lawyer I told you about last night. He’s found a buyer for Grimaldi Shipping!”

“That’s wonderful, darling.” Then she frowned. “Now are you sure this is what you really want to do?”

“Yes! I can’t wait to get as far away from the Grimaldi’s as possible!”

“Oh well, I can’t say I blame you, my boy! After everything you went through with that Di Alberto lot! Thank goodness Damian finally decided to do the right thing for a change!”

Luke looked suddenly subdued and sullen.

Lucinda patted his shoulder. “I see he still gets to you, doesn’t he?”

Luke shrugged. “He’s my father. I guess he always will.” Then suddenly brightening up he stated, “Anyway, you’re up early!”

“Early? More like I never went to bed!”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been up half the night worried to death about you and your young man and this child!” She sat down warily on a kitchen chair.

Luke and Noah had laid down the entire series of events to Lily, Holden, Lucinda and Emma the night before, as soon as Nicholas was asleep upstairs. Luke’s parents were at first furious at them, as well as at Lucinda, for not letting them know the danger they were both in. But finally... after they calmed down... they were just relieved that their two boys were safe and sound and that the threat had passed.

Luke sighed at Lucinda. “Grandmother, I know it must seem sudden-”

“Sudden,” she interrupted. “Luke! God knows the two of you love each other, but you have also broken up on more than a few occasions!”

Luke sat to join her at the table. “You’re worried we’ll break up?”

“This is a _child_ , Luke! Not a puppy!”

“I know that!” Her slight tone of condescension annoyed Luke.

“You and Noah have only been back together for a few months. I just… I just want to make sure you understand the magnitude of what you’re undertaking.”

“Grandmother,” Luke’s tone was stern, at least as stern as he would ever dare to use on her, “I appreciate that you care, and I understand your concerns. But you’re acting like this isn’t something we’ve discussed or thought about. We know what it means to look after a child. Hell, I’ve been around small children for most of my adult life... what with Faith, Natalie and now Ethan! I know how hard it is sometimes. But please believe me when I say this, Noah and I are together for good. It’s… it’s different this time.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes.”

She eyed him knowingly. “So you’re completely honest with each other?”

“Yes of course! What are you getting at?”

“So he knows then does he? He knows about last year? You told him?”

Luke deflated instantly; flopped back in the chair. He stared at his hands for a few minutes, then asked softly, “You think I should?”

“Luke, if it was just you and Noah, I’d tell you do to what feels right. But now, with the child? Yes. Yes, I think you should tell him.”

Luke was contemplative for some time.

“What is it, darling?" she asked softly. "Do you think he won’t understand?”

“No… No, that’s not it. I _know_ he’ll understand.” He seemed suddenly like the small boy she remembered from years gone by.

“Then?” she questioned.

He took a deep breath; looked up at her with his dark puppy eyes. “I just don’t want him to think less of me.”

She stretched over the table; gripped his hand in hers... squeezing hard. “Oh, honey! Honey! If he loves you like I know he does, then he never could! He never could, sweetheart.”

She watched as a single tear dropped down his beautiful cheek.

***

_Troy sat dejected on a bench in Olde Town; leaned forward on his knees as he watched the revelers pass him by unnoticed. He watched as they laughed together, enjoying the usual Saturday night bar crawls. It had always seemed to him that the world was so much happier than he. It had always seemed that way, every since he could remember._

_“Shit!” he muttered under his breath._

_He waited more than a week for contact! Damn Mrs Walsh! Damn her for showing up and stealing his precious moment away! Now he didn’t know how long he’d have to wait to see_ him _again._


	3. Chapter 3

As Luke approached the barn, he saw Noah emerging from within. The brunette smiled gently to himself as he made his way up the hill toward the farmhouse. His black hair was slightly longer than he normally wore it; it blew around his forehead in waves as the wind hit the curls. His skin was olive from the LA sunshine, and he was far more muscular than when they’d first met... if that were even possible. He was wearing that blue shirt that clung at just the right places; brought out his eyes.

The sight of the tall, straight-bodied guy was breathtaking; made Luke stop dead in his tracks. He felt a sudden rush of fear and apprehension as he considered the discussion he knew he’d have to have with him. He knew it would shock him; that he’d be displeased. But he wasn’t so much afraid of his reaction... knowing they were strong enough to deal with anything... as he was with revealing his limitations. Revealing that he wasn’t always the strong, solid and dependable guy Noah took him for. Revealing just how weak he’d been. How weak he could be.

But Lucinda was right, as always. With Nicholas in the picture things had changed, and Noah had a right to know everything. He had a right to know what was possible. And if Luke was lucky enough to have Noah’s love and trust, then he had a right to know the full history of the person he was with. Luke promised to share everything with him after all… so he would tell him later that night.

Noah saw him; white teeth flashed as he made his way over. "Hi good looking!" 

"Hey yourself!" replied Luke. "I know we said we’d meet back at the house, but I was missing you both so I thought I’d pop down."

"Did you speak to Gareth?"

"Yes! He found a buyer!"

"Really? So Fast? That’s brilliant!" Noah drew Luke closer by his hips... spun him round. His eyes sparkled like sapphires, his smile broad; and Luke saw in that moment just how happy Noah was... so happy it radiated from him, almost making him glow. He thought back over the years he'd known Noah; couldn’t remember a time when Noah had looked so at ease with himself and the world. He was so stunning in this blissful state, Luke almost cried at the sight of it. It was all Luke had ever wished for him.

Shaking himself from these thoughts he replied, "I Know! The guys seriously a machine!" Then studying him for a moment longer, Luke commented, "You’re looking especially cheerful right now…"

"Well," Noah began to sway them gently from side-to-side, "I have the distinct impression we won’t have to wait as long as we thought for you… know… what…"

Luke’s eyebrow raised. "Really?" he smiled, Noah’s mood had long since washed away any nerves he had before. "What makes you say that, ha?"

Noah nibbled his ear briefly; whispered, "Follow me…"

Grabbing hold of Luke’s hand, he pulled him in the direction of the barn. At the large double doorway he maneuvered Luke’s body in front of his; wrapped his arms around him from behind.

"Shh… be very quiet, okay?" he whispered.

Luke nodded with a grin as Noah prodded him forward. They entered into the barn where they hid behind a stall door. Then Luke heard it...

"Do horses only eat carrots?" It was Nicholas.

Luke started with surprise. Noah was standing there with him so who…? He turned his head up to Noah, asking a question with an expression, but Noah just smiled that knowing smile; held Luke against his chest.

"Oh, no," Holden replied, "horses eat lots of things. They eat grain and hay and grass. They love fruit and vegetables. And Painter over here… well… she’s kind of partial to sugar cubes herself."

"Me too!" Came the excited voice. "I’m also pat… parc… pa.."

"Partial," Holden helped.

"I’m also par-cal to sugar cubes!" They heard both Holden and Nicholas giggling together.

Then they heard Holden ask, "So do you think you’re ready to try riding Nash? He’s just a pony, so he’s about the right size for you I’d think."

"Sure!" Nicholas' reply was surprisingly confident for a child only recently introduced to horses. Luke swelled with pride for him. It was so good to hear him enjoying himself; feeling safe enough to interact with Holden.

"Wow!" Luke whispered to Noah.

Noah squeezed him tight. "Isn’t it? Holden’s so amazing! He had Nicky talking to him in no time! I guess that’s where you get it from?"

"Get what?"

"I don’t know. I can’t explain it. It’s the way you make a person feel… safe you know? Secure. I guess Holden has that same gift. Anyway I slipped away and Nicky hasn’t even noticed so…"

"So maybe later he won’t mind if we leave him with Dad?"

"Exactly my thought, Mr Snyder... exactly!"

Luke lifted his head; kissed him then... a deep, exploring kiss, filled with promise of things to come. "Did I ever mention how much I like the way you think Mayer?"

***

_Troy threw the cell phone into the fireplace where it sparked and sizzled in the flames, effectively destroying not only the device but also the undesirable message from his father._

_"Son. Your Father here. Your Mother and I have decided to stay another month on the cruise so we won’t be home Sunday as planned. But Geoffrey is taking care of the household, so I’m sure you’re well taken care of and have plenty…"_

_That was as far as the message got before the phone hit the fire._

_"Son of a bitch!" He lifted an expensive Chinese vase he knew his mother was particularly fond of; flung it hard on the white marble floor. It seemed to disappear as it shattered into so many tiny shards. They cut at his feet, but he barely felt them he was so enraged._

_He was twenty. It was his birthday and they left him again! Everybody he loved left him. Even_ he _…_

 _A month! A whole month_ he _had been gone!_

_Troy gripped his hands into tight fists as he fought against the pain and loneliness... loneliness he felt his entire life. He let out an earth shattering scream of frustration._

_Feeling no better he headed for his father’s study and the private stash of alcohol, leaving a trail of bloody footprints in his wake._

***

Lily arrived early that afternoon with Faith, Natalie and Ethan. As they walked up the drive, Nicholas eyed them suspiciously through the gap between Noah’s legs, clinging on to Noah’s jeans the way he was prone to do when uncomfortable.

Spotting the two men, Ethan let out a loud squeal of joy that made Nicholas jump. The other boy sped at full speed toward them yelling their names with glee.

Nicholas’ hands tightened on the back of Noah’s legs... almost painfully... as he clawed at them for safety.

Luke ran to meet Ethan half way, stooping down just in time to catch the little guy and spin him around... making his screams of delight even louder. He giggled hard; eventually yelled, "Stop! Stop Luke! I’m get-ting dizzeeeeee!"

"Oh you _are?_ " Luke teased. "Well maybe _this_ will help!" He threw the laughing child up into the air, catching Ethan by his legs so that he swung upside down, his strawberry blonde hair just grazing the gravel driveway.

"Oh don’t Luke," Lily chastised playfully, "I just washed his hair this morning!"

Nicholas fixed Ethan with a stony glare as Luke lowered him to the ground. Then to Nicholas’s horror, the other boy made his happy way over to where Noah stood. He lifted his arms up and Noah picked him up, kissing him on his cheek. "Hello Ethan. Aren’t you getting big? I swear you’re almost a man now!"

"Nah-ah," Ethan shook his head in negation. "I’m never growing up! I’m going to be a boy forever!"

"Oh," Noah replied, remembering Ethan’s favorite storybook, "you mean like Peter Pan?"

"Yes! And then I can fly to Neverland!"

"You’ll have to find a fairy first!"

"Can I tell you something?" Ethan asked conspiratorially.

"Anything!" Noah assured him.

Ethan leaned forward; whispered something into Noah’s ear making that made him laugh out loud.

Before their conversation could continue it was cut short when Faith and Natalie leaned forward to kiss Noah hello.

As he watched these exchanges, Nicholas grew vehemently angry. He didn’t understand where this Ethan came from. Luke and Noah loved him and only him! They said so all the time! So why did they play with Ethan like they played with him. Why did they kiss Ethan, and spin him around, and throw him in the air, and hug him and…

It disturbed Nicholas a lot.

"Nicky," It was Noah. "You okay kid?"

Nicholas lifted his eyes to meet Noah’s, intensely aware of the other child’s head bobbing just to the left as Noah held him.

"You must be Nicholas?" Faith asked, and Nicholas buried his face between Noah’s legs.

With Noah busy with Ethan, Luke took over, bending down to open his arms to the child; lifting Nicholas up for his sisters to see. Nicholas presented Ethan with an air of superiority as he sat self-satisfied on Luke’s hip.

"Mine!" his expression warned.

"These are my very special sisters, Faith and Natalie. And this little guy over here is my brother, Ethan. I think you guys can be really good friends. What do you think?"

"Yeah!" Ethan exclaimed, excited at the prospect of a child his own age.

Nicholas frowned deeply at him with undisguised resentment.

***

 _He_ was in town!

Troy was watching _him_ as he held a conversation with some woman in the middle of the square. It was early evening and Troy knew this was the route he usually took from his office to his car. He heard Luke say something about an emergency conference call during the course of their discussion, but it was windy so he didn’t catch every word.

Troy leaned back against the wall of the alleyway down which he knew the man would come. It was the first time he'd seen him up close since that night... the one in the street that got spoiled when they’d been interrupted by Lucinda Walsh. He didn’t realize it then, but that would be the last time his fingers would touch Luke's skin. Luke looked amazing too! The same and yet so different. He was suntanned and his expression was brighter... more relaxed. He was smiling a lot more. Troy felt that familiar desire race through him, his heart pounded in anticipation. Not long now.

Troy waited.

***

As Noah made his way through Olde Town, he was still basking in the enjoyment of one of the best days of his life.

From waking up with Luke and Nicholas, to their walk, Holden’s tour of the barn and horses, and Nicholas opening up to him... to an amazing afternoon with the Snyder family. Not to mention Emma’s delicious food.

He was in such a state of ecstatic bliss he hardly recognized himself from the sad and withdrawn person he was only a few months before. He could hardly believe how lucky he was. He had Luke back, and their love seemed stronger than ever. They had Nicholas, who could make them laugh and cry all at the same time. They were blessed with amazing friends, and family who they loved and who loved them in turn. They had left their problems in the past; moved forward together. It finally felt like they had truly arrived... as though life couldn’t possibly get any better.

It was only a shame that their evening card game got cut short when Luke received a call from Grimaldi Shipping HQ, requesting his presence at an emergency conference. He’d apologized profusely, but Noah assured him it was okay. They still had the week ahead of them, and one business call couldn’t ruin that!

Noah was buzzing as evening grew darker on the farm. When Lily left with the kids, he was still far too wired to settle down. Nicholas had long since been tucked up in bed, his little body worn out from a day of outdoor activity. He took all of one minute to nod off, his soft black curls falling around his face on the huge feather stuffed pillow.

Expecting that it would be at least another hour before Luke returned to the farm, Noah needed an urgent distraction! He asked Emma whether he could pick up some groceries for her from the Twenty-Four Seven on the skirts of Olde Town. Hands greasy as he busily fixed an engine part at the kitchen table, Holden lifted himself from the seat and said, "You can use my truck, if Mama doesn’t mind fishing the keys out my back pocket."

Breath expelling in long white puffs from the cold, Noah made his way from the store with four heavy shopping bags full of food requested by Emma on her hastily scribbled grocery list. He hoped he had everything she needed.

He couldn’t wait to get back to the farm, wondering whether Luke would be back yet. He knew there was something Luke wanted to talk to him about. He’d seemed quite secretive about it, not wanting to give Noah any clues as to what it was about. Noah was intrigued, because Luke seemed a little edgy about it and Noah couldn’t think what it could be.

He rounded a corner; felt a flutter of pleasure when he immediately recognized Luke. Even from a distance, he knew it was Luke. Not only did he feel it, but he knew the stocky silhouette just as well as he knew how to breathe.

Luke stood at the end of an alleyway, the lamplight illuminating his golden hair. Just like a beacon, Noah’s feet were immediately drawn toward the glow of it. He was so fixated on Luke, he didn’t notice the other man who stood before him. If he had noticed, then he might have had a moments warning. He might have perceived the proximity of the man’s body to Luke’s. He might have seen the way Luke’s back was pressed hard up against the alley wall. He might have felt the tension in the air…

If he had noticed the other man, his reaction might not have been what it was; because in that split second, every one of his senses broke like shattered glass, as the man leaned forward to place an amorous kiss on Luke’s soft lips.


	4. Chapter 4

_“Noah, I don’t love Reid! I love you!” Luke said it over the bar table with such conviction Noah could almost believe it... but there was one thing that hurt... one thought that_ really _hurt…_

_“Did you sleep with him?”_

_“No!”_

_But Luke had been lying to him. Luke had been lying to him for... how long? Weeks? Months? And it wasn’t the first time he’d lied, so how could Noah believe him now?_

_“Luke, tell me the truth! You owe me that much! When you were in Texas together for his law suit?”_

_“No, not then! Not after...”_

_“Not yet?” Bitterness seethed through the question._

_“Not ever! Noah, please! Try to understand! You were pushing me away so much! And yeah… I was really hurt, and I was really confused, and I was very, very angry with you...”_

_“And Reid was just there, right?” Noah couldn’t help it. He knew he was spiraling out of control, but the jealousy... the sick thought of Luke and Reid... Noah's own doctor... a man Noah trusted. He felt like punching someone._

_“Urg!” Luke exclaimed with frustration. “Look, forget about him!” Then in his most dismissive tone. “It hasn’t gone anywhere…”_

_Noah wasn’t buying any of it. He saw them together at the house. There was something there... “But you admit that you’re attracted to him?”_

_“Yes, but it…”_

_Noah's gut twisted into a tight knot. It may have been the dim lighting in Yo's... or the fact his eyesight wasn't quite there yet... but he had the sudden and agonizing realization that he couldn't read Luke anymore._ _“I feel like_ such _an idiot." Noah tried not to let Luke hear the pain in that statement, but it filtered through anyway. This wasn’t right! This wasn’t how the afternoon was supposed to go._

_“Noah, don’t...”_

_It was clear Luke wasn’t trying to hurt him, but Noah’s resentment was all consuming by this point._ _“You know, I should have pieced this together. But maybe I was in denial or… or maybe I was_ blind! _” he said it spitefully, knowing how Luke would feel the sting of it. “You know, I could always use_ that _as an excuse?”_

_Luke tried to pull them back, tried to bring them down from the anger that was building so rapidly around the table. “We can get back what we had! I know we can!”_

_Noah cringed at how unsure he sounded. “You really think so?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Because I don’t, okay? I’m not going to be your safe choice... your fallback guy! You feel guilty? Good! You should!” He needed to get out of there!_

_“No!” There was panic behind Luke's words and in his eyes. He shot up from his stool when Noah made to leave. “Noah-Noah, please, don’t go!”_

_“We’re finished Luke, okay? We are done!”_

_“Okay well let me…” The blonde looked around frantically, trying to find a solution that would keep Noah near. “Let me drive you home. We can talk in the car.” He gripped at his coat like a safety blanket._

_“There’s nothing more to talk about, okay? I don’t want your help… or your pity! I have my sight now… I don’t need you…”_

_He hadn’t meant it. Of course, he hadn’t! The words left his lips in uncontrollable streams. They flowed free, along with a pumping pain he felt sure would kill him... along with a rage... at Luke... at Reid... at the whole appalling situation... at the injustice of it all! But mostly... mostly he was angry at himself. For being such a complete idiot! All that time… right in front of him… laughing and flirting at private jokes while he... completely unawares... still held on to a hope… the only thing keeping him going._

_Of course he needed Luke! He needed Luke like he needed air and water and sustenance. Luke was literally **all** he had! His family! His everything! The accident had taken everything! And for what reason? It was just all so pointless!_

_It wasn’t the kiss that was destroying him now... though that in itself was knifing him through the gut... it was that look of abject confusion on Luke’s face... a look Luke may have carried for far longer than Noah knew... but it was a look that Noah now had the ability to_ see _!_

 _Luke… the strong one… the open one… the guy that fought tooth and nail for them from the very beginning…_ that _guy had lost faith. And it was this that weighed heavily on Noah’s chest as he stormed from the bar; wandered aimlessly toward town._

_Well maybe not so aimless, because suddenly in front of him was a quaint wooden park bench. To anybody else walking through Olde Town, that was all it was… but to Noah it was a ceramic jar filled with memories… most of them wonderful. He had been careless and the jar had cracked, spilling his precious memories down a dark drain of despair... He found himself squatting as he lost all feeling in his legs; hands gripped an the arm of the bench. He reverently smoothed up and down the polished wood._ _He fought hard! He fought with everything he had; used all the tricks to hold back his emotion he’d learned in childhood. But there was nothing for it. He just wasn't strong enough_ _!_

_“Luke…” It erupted as a cry from his throat; accompanied by a sob._

_Then he was gone... tears fell like rain and he let them…_

***

That was it _,_ he realized now. That was the moment the crying started. Before that day he could hold back tears if he had to. Living with his father had taught him well. But from that moment on, tears would flow freely, and he couldn’t control them anymore. The giant wall of protection he'd spent a lifetime building, crumbled right in that second.

And here he was again! That old memory of pain mingling like oily paint with this new one… back in this same place… full circle…

Only this time there were no tears. He was physically incapable of crying. He could do nothing! He had no recollection of how he reached the bench, but he sat there solid and unmoving; sure that this would be the end of him.

The moment they kissed he swallowed a scream, only the fear of being discovered keeping him silent. He couldn’t hear anything, but the grocery bags must have made a noise as they dropped to the ground… they must have heard it! But Noah hadn’t hung around to find out. He ran from that place and somehow ended up at the bench.

***

Luke immediately pushed Troy back by his shoulders. The man stumbled into the opposite wall. There was a sound like something breaking further down the alley, but his mind was completely focused on what had just happened. “What the fuck are you doing?" he yelled, wiping his mouth with the back of one hand. "You’re lucky I’m not the same person I was a year ago Troy, or you'd be on the fucking floor right now!"

“I know,” Troy’s green eyes flashed with defiance, “but I don’t give a shit! It would be worth it!”

“What the hell are you talking about? Shit Troy, you know how I-”

“How you feel about the kissing? Yes! Believe me I do!”

“What is your problem?”

“What’s my problem?” he said it sardonically and then yelled, “What's my problem?” Troy glared at Luke as though he were a complete fool. “You left! You just left! Without a word! And I was here waiting for you to come! I had to hear from your grandmother that you left town!”

Luke was perplexed. “Troy, I didn’t know I owed you anything. I mean, we weren’t in a relationship. We were a one-night stand that went on for too long! That’s what you said, remember?” Imitating Troy’s most laid back voice, he said, “It’s just sex! Let’s just have fun and enjoy ourselves! No strings attached!"

“I know that! I know what I said!”

“So then, what is it?”

Troy looked at his feet.

“What?” Luke tried again.

“I fucking love you okay?” Luke felt his eyes widen in shock as Troy spoke. “I fell in love with you! That’s what! And you just left me!”

Luke immediately softened. He suddenly felt like such a shit. “God, I didn’t know...” He shook his head sadly. “Dammit Troy, I was a mess! And you knew that! I mean, you used it to get me to sleep with you!"

“Yeah well... I wasn't expecting to... It’s not like I fell on purpose or anything.” A moment of uncomfortable silence passed between them, until Troy asked, “So, where did you go anyway?"

Luke leaned back against the wall; felt that deep and familiar disappointment in himself. “I was in rehab.”

“What?”

“I’m a recovering alcoholic Troy, wasn't it obvious? I relapsed! That’s the only reason I slept with you. I wasn’t myself, okay? It was the drink…” But that wasn’t just it. He spent some time mulling things over. If he had hurt Troy during that terrible time, then maybe he owed Troy the whole truth too. “It wasn’t just the drink. I can't keep using that as an excuse. I was trying to forget somebody.”

“The doctor?”

Luke bit his lower lip and shook his head. “That’s what I thought at first but no... that’s what I wanted to believe. Because it was easier… But it wasn’t the truth. I was trying to forget my first love... my current love.”

Troy looked suddenly shattered. “You’re with somebody?”

Luke nodded. “I’m really sorry, Troy. If I hurt you, I didn’t do it on purpose. It was a rebound kind of thing for me. I was so lost. I missed him, and I was trying to fill the void in my life. God, that sounds so corny... and it’s no excuse. I was a mess. I should never have been with you like that in the first place. But Troy, I never promised you anything, right? I mean, I never led you on...”

Luke could tell Troy wanted to be angry at him. But although Troy hadn't known the full truth, he did know what an emotional disaster Luke was all along.

“No," Troy admitted. Then after a moment. “So that’s who you were so angry at all that time... your ex?”

“It was more the circumstance I was angry with, but yeah. There was a lot of hurt and anger inside of me then. I handled the whole thing really badly.”

“And now?”

Luke answered easily. “Now I’m happy. More happy than I’ve ever known or could ever hope to be.”

Troy nodded. “Okay then. I know you’re mad about the kiss, but I’m glad I did it. At least I have that.”

“Will you be okay, Troy?”

Troy looked so sad. “Yeah. I mean, it’s not the first time somebody’s left me, right? I should be used to it by now.”

Luke had nothing he could say to that. He knew what a lonely person Troy was.

Before they parted Troy asked, “Do you think we can be friends?” There was so much hope in his expression.

“I’d like that.” Luke nodded.

***

As the numbness slowly wore off, Noah began to panic. He had the distinct sensation of his skin crawling, as though covered in insects. He could feel his chest slowly swelling... constricting his breath. His mouth released short puffs of mist in the icy air. He was suffering from a feeling of acute claustrophobia, even out in the open as he was. He swallowed the increasing lump in his throat as he clung to the numbness... desperate not to feel the same pain that had consumed him for an entire year! He never wanted to go back there! Not to that! He was shivering, but not from the cold.

They were happy right? He hadn’t just imagined it? Or was he really _that_ selfish? Was he so wrapped up in his own feelings of bliss that he hadn’t noticed Luke wasn’t feeling the exactly the same?

He couldn’t manage it. He couldn’t live without Luke. He already knew that from trying once before. And yet he loved Luke too much to bind the man to him, if that wasn’t what Luke wanted… it that wouldn’t make him happy.

***

Luke checked his watch for the umpteenth time; repeated the action with his phone. Still no message from Noah, and it was getting seriously late.

_What could be keeping him?_

A tangled knot of worry was growing in his gut.

“Anything?” Holden asked, coming into the kitchen to find Luke seated at the table, lightly tapping his phone on the surface.

“Nothing... I don’t get it! Are you sure he didn’t say anything to you?”

“Sorry,” Holden shrugged, “just that he was going for groceries and could I keep an eye on Nicky. He borrowed my truck.”

Luke stood suddenly; grabbed his jacket. “I’m going to look for him.”

“Son, I’m sure he’s fine!”

“Then why isn’t he answering his phone, Dad? I need to go! I’m going crazy just sitting here! Can you please watch Nicky for a little longer?”

Holden nodded.

After leaving the farm he drove around town for a while, checking all the places he thought Noah might go. Finally he spotted Holden’s truck parked near the entrance to Olde Town. He drew the car up next to it; checked the truck's cab.

_Empty._

He sighed, looking around the deserted parking lot before making his way into town. He spotted Noah quite quickly; sitting still on their favorite bench in the square. “Noah? What are you doing? I've been looking everywhere for you!"

Noah sat for some time, his face half turned away. When he finally looked up at Luke, the expression of desolation on his face shocked Luke to the core.

He fell immediately to his knees in front of Noah. “Baby?” he spoke softly, taking Noah’s hand. But it was as if Noah hadn’t registered him there at all. “You’re as white as a sheet! And you're shaking! Are you sick?" When there was no response, Luke squeezed Noah’s hand, trying to bring him out of the strange place he seemed to be in. "You’re really scaring me! What is it?”

Noah's voice was so constricted as to sound almost painful, as though he had spikes in his throat, “I’m afraid.”

Luke frowned with worry, completely mystified as to what was happening. “Afraid of what?”

Noah looked right at him, but his blue eyes were glazed over as though answering Luke from within a dream, “Of you…"


	5. Chapter 5

Luke felt completely lost and totally frantic. “Afraid? Noah? Okay… um…” he took Noah’s other hand, flushed with concern. “I’m not following you.”

Noah seemed to notice him there; eyes darting across Luke’s face. His right hand lifted to sweep lightly down Luke's cheek. “You’re so beautiful,.”

“Noah?”

“It’s okay, Luke. You can tell me.” He nodded his assurance. “I won’t make it hard for you.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I won’t stand in your way.” As the words left his lips, he seemed to be struggling with something far stronger than he was.

“Oh God… what’s happening?” Luke searched Noah’s countenance, trying to make eye contact but failing. Noah seemed afraid to lock eyes.

“I just want you to be happy.” Noah's bottom lip quivered. His eyes welled with tears.

“I am happy…” Luke whispered, frowning.

But it was as if Noah wasn’t hearing him. “Don’t you understand, Luke? I would give you the world if I could, but I only have me to give you… so… so it’s okay… It’s okay if that’s not enough…”

“Not enough?”

“It’s okay if you’ve found someone else. I saw… I saw…”

Luke felt his heart plummet as things suddenly became clear. “Oh, my God! Shit! Noah…” He moved to embrace Noah, encasing him in his arms. Noah slumped into him... shivering... returning Luke’s hug with a desperation. “Have you been sitting here this whole time?” Luke shook his head as he asked the question. “I’m _so_ sorry! You saw...?” He felt Noah nod. “It’s not what you think! _He_ kissed _me_!”

Noah moved back so that he could see him and Luke nodded.

“Look at me!” Luke grabbed both sides of Noah’s face. “ _Really_ look at me! What do you see?”

Three tears dropped from the corner of Noah’s right eye, and for the first time since Luke’s arrival their eyes locked. “I see love.” There was utter relief in Noah’s tone.

Luke nodded wetly at him; pulled him back into the hug. “He kissed me! I didn’t want it! I wasn’t expecting it! And the moment he did I pushed him back, okay?”

“Really?”

There was so much hope in the question, Luke’s heart cracked for him. “Bubby, how could you even doubt it? You’re enough! You are more than enough! You’re everything, okay? You and Nicholas are everything!”

Luke felt it then... a lightening of spirit... as though some indefinable burden dropped away from Noah’s firm frame. He relaxed into Luke. Luke couldn’t help it, but he let out a sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh that angered Noah. He pushed Luke, so that Luke fell backward to the ground.

“Don’t laugh!" Noah warned. "Don’t you fucking laugh!”

“Oh, I’m not!” Luke maintained, whilst trying to keep a straight face. “Man, but I love you!”

“Stop it!”

“I love you bubby, but sometimes you can be really stupid, you know that?”

Noah glared at him, but Luke caught the slight lift at the corner of his mouth as he fought a smile. There was silence for quite some time whilst they surveyed each other... Luke still sprawled across the ground; Noah, tear-stained; slumped on the bench. “Nicky says you should never call somebody stupid…”

Luke laughed. “He’s right. I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” He still hadn’t smiled but the humor was there at least.

***

All Troy knew was that he needed _him_! He managed to get by over the past few months believing that _he_ would one day return to Oakdale... from wherever it was he had gone... and then they could regain what they had. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t much, but Troy could at least work on that.

Of course Troy knew he was being used at the time. But everybody used him! Hell, half the time he was the one encouraging it! But there were times, snippets... especially in the beginning when they first met... when Luke and Troy would spend time talking. And Luke really listened! He was the first person who ever really listened to Troy. Luke was the first person Troy told of his loneliness… the way his parents were never around whilst he was growing up. The way they sent him to boarding school and collage abroad, so they didn’t have to care about him... so they didn’t have to raise him… their only child…

Luke seemed so genuinely concerned, and that was comforting. He made Troy feel safe and wanted for the first time ever, even if it was only during those few brief moments. Moments, Troy now realized, when Luke must have been more sober.

Luke never spoke much about his own life. He told Troy about the doctor that died, but he never mentioned this other man. Troy wondered about him. Wondered what he was like. What qualities he had that Troy didn’t, to deserve this man... this amazing person.

***

Luke felt his feelings were too complex for him to try to explain them. He could only hope that Noah knew him well enough to understand without him having too. In the silence that followed the small interlude of humor, Luke decided it was the time to talk. He sat carefully on the other end of the bench, all the time keeping an eye on Noah. He could see how Noah’s hands still shook vigorously; cursed himself for taking so long to lay things out for him. If he'd told Noah sooner, he could have spared him this shock. “Okay.”

Noah looked up as Luke spoke.

“So…” Luke took a deep breath. “So last year Grandmother found me in an alley. I was…” he hung his head with the embarrassment of it; pressed on, “I was about three minutes away from having sex in full view of the public.” The words tumbled out of his mouth in quick succession as he tried to get it over with.

Noah’s eyebrows rose in shocked disbelief. “What?”

Luke let out another shuddered breath; braced himself. “It might be best if you just let me speak, okay? Just let me get it all out.”

Noah nodded cautiously.

“I was drunk.”

Noah’s mouth opened. He cupped it with both hands, closing his eyes as the news sank in. If there was one thing Noah was acutely aware of, it was how bad things could get when Luke drank.

Luke persisted. “I was drunk, and I barely even knew my own name.”

It was Noah’s turn to take a deep breath. “Why?”

“Because I...” and he whispered the last part, “I wanted to forget…”

Noah fiddled his fingers together; stared at them. “Reid?”

“No Noah, not Reid. I wanted to forget you…”

***

_With the help of her driver they eventually managed to maneuver her intoxicated grandson into the back of the car. He promptly decided to throw up behind the seat. Even in his current state, he somehow still seemed to respect her; in general obeyed her commands as the driver walked him unsteadily into the house._

_“This is your house…” Luke observed confused, leaning up against the hallway._

_“Yes!” she stated angrily. “Maybe we can resolve this thing without your mother finding out!” She thanked her driver; closed the front door after assuring him they’d be fine. Then she rounded on Luke. “Just what in God's name were you thinking of?”_

_Luke started; slipped slightly against the wall, bracing himself on a side table._

_“Just_ look _at the state of you! What if Lily had seen you Luke? Or God forbid, Faith or Natalie? What you were doing in that alley… I mean… I just don’t know!” She threw up her arms._

_That statement had an immediate effect on Luke. The defiance in his eyes turned suddenly to shame; to what Lucinda thought looked something like self-loathing. He slumped even more._

_“How long, Luke? How long have you been drinking like this? You are a kidney recipient. You_ know _what it means for you to drink! For heaven’s sake! Are you trying to kill yourself?”_

_“Yes!” he yelled; dropped to a seated position... crying now. “Yes! That would be better! That would be better than…” His words fell away as he shook his head._

_To Lucinda’s horror she realized he meant it. She realized just how far and hard her grandson had fallen off the proverbial wagon. She sat at the writing desk he was currently bracing his head up against. “Darling, why? Why are you giving up like this? It’s not like you!” She balled her hands into fists before him. “You’re a fighter! Just like your old grandmother over here!”_

_“It’s just… I’m so tired. I’m_ so _tired Grandmother.”_

_“Of what?”_

_“Of missing him.” There was absolute agony behind his words. "I miss him."_

_“Oh I see. I get it now. This is about your young man, the doctor?”_

_Luke shook his head with resignation. “I_ wish _! I_ wish _this was about Reid! And I hate myself for saying this but… but Reid’s dead! So I_ wish _this was about him, because that would be something I could have a hope of getting over! And I know how selfish that is!”_

_Then she realized. “It’s Noah, isn’t it? It’s Noah you’re missing so much.”_

_Luke closed his eyes as he nodded; wiped his nose against his hand, sniffing loudly._

_“Oh, honey! Finally! Finally you’re admitting you still love him! We all know that!”_

_“I never denied it, Grandmother. I’ve always loved him. I will always love him. That's the problem!”_

_She smiled. “Luke, if you still love him so much, there really isn't a problem at all. What are you still doing here? He’s only a plane ride away.”_

_“I can’t…”_

_“Why ever not?”_

_She saw him struggling for the right words, but she knew they would come. That was just the way Luke was… how he'd always been. He could never keep his thoughts to himself. He always had to share his feelings with somebody. She was sure this was how he ended up back on the bottle. For some reason he'd tried to keep these feelings bottled up inside._ _“Because… because at least this way I can believe he still loves me too. I can think he’s in LA waiting for me.”_

_“I believe he is darling…”_

_“He told me he would, but what if he’s not? It's been months! What if I go and he… What if I go and he’s moved on? And he pushes me away? I can’t take that again. I’m in_ hell, _don’t you see? I want him back more than anything, but I’m terrified of him! Because he’s the only one that can really hurt me like this. The only one who ever could!”_

_“Sweetheart…” she tried to help... tried to comfort him... but the gates were open, so she allowed him to continue unaided._

_“And it took me so long to accept I’d lost him! To allow myself to move on with Reid. But I mean_ look at me! This _,” he gestured towards himself, “_ this _is what_ he _does to me! This is how much damage he can do! And I can’t do it anymore, Grandmother! I can’t hurt like this anymore… its killing me… I just want to forget, don’t you understand? I wish I could forget him."_

_“Oh, sweetheart.” She moved gingerly onto the floor by his side. She was getting on in life, and it was no longer an easy feat to find oneself sitting on the floor. She hooked her arm around him; allowed him to flop into her bosom._

_“Please…” he begged. “What do I do? I’ve tried everything!”_

_She stroked his head, just as she did when he was a small boy after he tripped and fell. “There really is only one thing you can do, darling. You need to confront this. You need to stop running away. You need to get on a plane and find him and resolve this thing once and for all. Whatever that means! You have to be brave enough to face whatever the outcome of that is.”_

_He sagged defeated against her as her words sank in._

_“Don’t you understand, Luke? The two of you share a bond. And it’s a bond that has survived everything that’s happened! That’s special, honey! That’s not something you walk away from. Noah stayed in Oakdale to help you grieve another man. I can only imagine how painful that was for him. But he did it. Because he loves you and he knew you needed him. He's always been a real gentleman. I’m willing to wager all I have he’s out there in LA hurting just as much… missing_ you _just as much. But you can’t go and claim him back in this state! First we need to get you sobered up! Don’t you worry…” she patted his arm, “your Grandma’s got your back, okay kid?”_

_She felt him nod and she smiled. Yes, she would sort this!_

***

“Even after I left rehab, I had to find an excuse to fly to LA,” Luke continued, after telling Noah the story of that night. “I convinced myself that it was just a business trip and had nothing to do with you... just so that I didn’t talk myself out of going.”

“Fuck, Luke!”

“Mom and Dad don't know anything about it. Just Grandmother. And now you. But I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you,” Luke assured him. “You have to know that. It’s just… even when I first saw you again I was scared shitless of rocking the boat. Everything felt so damn fragile. And then there was never a right time. Everything got a little crazy over the past few months. And then I guess things have been so great between us, that I just forgot about it... or maybe I wanted to forget…"

“And this guy? The one she found you with?”

Luke sighed. He knew they’d have to broach this subject. “It’s the same guy who kissed me tonight. His name is Troy Jenson. Grandmother introduced us. She’s friends with his father. He returned home from collage last year and he came onto me. At first I ignored him; denied the advances. But the more I drank, the more I lost myself, and the harder it became to push him back... until eventually I gave in.”

Noah closed his eyes; let out a deep breath. “You slept with him.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes. A few times. But you should know that it meant nothing. I felt nothing for him, other than a desire to... I don't know... stifle the pain I guess.”

“It’s not like you…” Noah said.

“I know. I… I used him Noah, and I feel terrible about that because… because I realize now that I hurt him. He told me tonight that he fell in love with me.” He could see a myriad of emotions fluttering across Noah’s face at his words, but Luke would get it all out. He had to believe they were strong enough.

“Why did you do it?”

Luke shook his head. “I wish I had a definitive answer to that. Cleaning up the company... building the nuro-wing... kept me busy at first. I concentrated totally on that to keep my mind off feeling anything! Then suddenly everything at work was great! Sorted! And I found myself with all this time to think and…” he shrugged, assuming Noah would piece the rest together from what he’d already heard. Instead he returned to the issue of Troy. “I never told you, but… you were the main reason I never slept with Reid.”

“What?”

“Because in those moments with him... as much as I loved him... I couldn’t get you out of my head. So when I said we were waiting… that’s what we were waiting for... for me to forget you. But during those dark days last year, part of the reason I returned to the bottle was because I realized I could never forget you. Which meant I had to face that it may never have happened with Reid at all, because there wasn’t anything that could break the bond between us.”

“Even though you wanted to, right? You wanted to break it?”

“For a while there... yes I did. I tried hard to make that happen.”

“Because I hurt you.”

“Yes.”

Noah nodded.

“So when I slept with Troy is was just sex. That’s all it was. At least for me. He never asked anything more of me, so tonight when he told me how he felt, it was a complete shock. And then suddenly he was kissing me and…” He stopped, realizing it didn’t matter. “I’m sorry you saw that. I wanted you to know. I was going to tell you everything tonight.”

Noah turned to him. “That’s what you wanted to talk about?”

Luke nodded. “I wanted you to know everything about me. Why do you think I was so insistent about locking the liquor cabinet at home? I’m not planning to relapse, but it’s happened before so…”

Noah stared ahead of him again, still rubbing his hands together nervously.

“You need to know it could happen, especially now… with Nicky around…”

Noah nodded but he remained silent; so Luke waited.

“I… I need to think,” Noah whispered finally.

“You need some space. I know.” Luke got up to leave, but then turned and said, “Noah?”

Noah looked up at him with emotion-filled eyes.

“I just need you to know something. Even if he came back... Reid I mean... even if Reid somehow came back today... I would be happy… _so_ happy…” Noah looked away again but Luke continued, “But I could never leave you! Not now! Not ever! Not even for him. Please believe me…” and he prayed Noah would. “I love you Noah… I don’t want to lose you again. I don’t want to lose us! Our new little family... it’s everything! So I’m asking… please… don’t take too long to come back to me… okay?”

He turned and started the short walk back to his car, hanging his head in contemplation. In his heart he felt sure they would be okay. They had come too far not to be. But there was still that small part of him... the part always afraid of losing Noah... that tried to squash those positive thoughts.

But halfway to his car he felt a warm presence fall into step beside him. Noah took his hand; their fingers interlaced. Nothing more was said, but he felt relief wash over him as they made their way back to Emma’s farm... together.


	6. Chapter 6

They didn’t talk much that night. Noah was still deep in thought. But Luke was okay with that. All that mattered was that Noah was there. He hadn’t run off, and to Luke’s amazement he wasn’t asking for space... just for time to sort through his feelings. Luke could give him that. Luke could give him all the time he needed, so long as Noah was right there with him.

After checking in on Nicholas, Noah climbed under the covers beside Luke... immediately filling the icy sheets with warmth. He lay flat on his back, one hand under his head; stared with contemplation at the ceiling. Luke turned his head; studied him for a moment... leaned over to turn off the lamp.

Not wanting to intrude on him, Luke curled in a ball facing away... giving Noah his space.

Not expecting it, he felt Noah’s arms wrap over him; Noah's hand rest on his chest. Noah’s body pressed up against Luke’s back. Luke lay awake... barely breathing... afraid Noah would move away if he did. He stayed awake until he heard the quiet telltale snores; then cried silently... periodically kissing Noah’s knuckles after taking Noah’s hand in his. The tears were not from sadness though; instead they were from his sheer contentment... so grateful to have this amazing person back in his life.

They would be fine.

From now on they would be fine no matter what came their way.

***

When Luke opened his eyes that morning, the first thing he saw was the clock by the bed.

“Shit!” he whispered. The display read 10:00 AM.

“Looks like we slept in…”

Luke rolled over toward the voice; smiled at Noah’s face lying deep within the imprint on his pillow.

Noah yawned; returned the smile... gently ran a finger along Luke’s fringe. His expression became suddenly more serious. “I’m sorry.”

Luke frowned. “You’re sorry? For what?”

“I’m sorry I made you feel that way. It scares me to think… that you felt like you wanted to die… because I hurt you…”

“Oh no! Noah! Please! I was the idiot, okay? I’m the one who screwed up! I put myself through all that! If I had just followed you to LA sooner, then none of that would even have happened, right?”

Noah nodded. “Right… Because I _was_ waiting for you… of course I was…”

Luke smiled; moved tentatively forward for a kiss. He hesitated... not sure if he was pushing Noah further than he was ready to go... but to his joy Noah completed the gesture; their tongues quickly linking together... so much so that Luke began to lose himself. He realized something and he pulled back. “Wait... something’s going on here...”

Noah frowned at him. “I was kinda hoping something was…”

“No,” Luke laughed. “Not that! I mean, isn't there somebody missing?”

Noah laughed. “He’s with Holden. I heard his voice this morning. When I looked out the window they were chopping wood outside.”

“Oh I _love_ that man! I guess he must have read the expressions on our faces when we came home last night.”

“Yeah. He must have got to Nicky before Nicky got to us!”

Luke was grateful. After the emotions of the evening, they really needed their sleep. He had to admit, he felt a whole lot better for it. “You are okay, right? About Troy, and the drinking and everything?” He had to ask. He had to know Noah was coping.

Noah’s response was to roll over on top of him. “I hate that you were drinking again! And,” he closed his eyes; pursed his lips for just a second, “the thought of you with this other guy… just… I’m not going to lie, okay? That hurts! But… but we weren’t together, so I can hardly hold it against you.” He shifted even closer into Luke’s body; smoothed Luke’s hair back with both hands. “Last night... all that time I sat on that bench... all I could think about was how the hell I was going to let you go.”

“Oh, baby.”

“So now I’m just relieved because… Luke I told you! I _need_ you in my life, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make that happen. As long as that’s what you want also.”

“I do! You know I do!”

“I’m not going to lose you just because of my stupid pride or hang ups. Like I said when we started this thing in LA, we are going to deal with these things... even when it’s hard. I just want to be with you. That’s all that matters…”

“I just want to be with you too.” Luke stroked his hands down Noah’s back; slipped his hands under the bottom of Noah's shirt... searching for skin. He ran them from Noah’s belly to his chest; wrapping them all the way under Noah's arms and around to the smooth shoulder blades.

“How long do you think we have?” Noah asked; his eyes suddenly that royal blue that usually indicated his desire level.

Luke was just about to answer, when they heard the undeniable pitter-patter of tiny feet growing louder as they made their way along the wooden floorboards of the hall.

“Not long by the sounds of things!” Luke laughed.

“Later then?” Noah asked quickly. “I need this. I think we both do.”

Luke nodded.

Nicholas burst through the door, his face flushed red from his run up the yard and through the house. “Luke! Noah!”

Noah rolled off Luke just in time for Nicholas to bounce between them on the bed.

“Hey, baby!” Noah greeted him.

The small child smelled of the outdoors; had a smear of dust across one cheek. “Luke, did you know Granddad cuts down the trees? And then he… he… what do ya call it?” he cocked his head; held his hands upside down on either side of him.

“Chops?”

“Yeah that! He chops them up, and then he puts the wood by the fire, and then he builds fires!”

“And what’s this?” Noah asked, noticing a piece of white cardboard in his hand.

Nicholas became all coy; handed it to him. “I maded it for you!” He grinned broadly.

It wasn’t the usual Nicholas style drawing they were so used to being presented with. Somebody had helped him glues twigs, grass and leaves to make up a larger image of a flower. Even from this, it was easy to see Nicholas’s natural artistic talent. It was astonishingly good for a child his age; gave much insight into how meticulously he viewed the world.

“It’s amazing, Nicky,” Noah complimented.

“I did this part and this and this…” he pointed at various parts of the picture, “and Granddad he did make this…”

“Wow, baby!” Luke hugged him, not missing Nicholas’s use of the word Granddad. “Thank you. We’ll take this one home for the fridge, okay?”

“Yeah!”

***

Completing the grocery shopping at night was definitely quicker than during the day, especially when every third person you came across was somebody you knew from way back when.

“Noah Mayer? Is that you?”

“Noah! So good to see you back, pal!”

“Java hasn’t been the same without you!”

But he didn't mind. It felt good. He didn’t realize how much he missed the small community feel. You just didn’t get that in the big city. It was even the same old lady Pat behind the till, her hair now totally gray, and a few more wrinkles added to her kind continence.

When he and Luke first lived together in Oakdale, Luke was like a fish out of water when it came to anything along the lines of household chores. Unlike Noah, who's father made sure he learned how to take care of himself, Luke didn’t have a clue how to cook or what cleaning products they needed. Feeling sorry for him, Patricia often loaned him an ear and a helping hand. She would laugh at them whenever they’d come in for a frozen pizza, because Luke succeeded in turning their latest meal into blackened ash.

“I’d ask what brings you back to Oakdale, son, but I bet I already know the answer to that, don’t I?" She winked at him. “I bet it has something to do with a certain blonde cutie called Luke?”

Noah blushed, then jumped as something loud crashed behind him. He turned to find a man in the queue had dropped a bottle of wine on the floor. It had shattered and the red liquid quickly covered the tiled floor. Noah was amazed neither of them had any stains on their clothing.

The attractive man who dropped the bottle was staring wide-eyed at him, with an odd kind of expression that made Noah feel extremely uncomfortable. He felt like he was being checked out.

***

He was stunning!

Dark featured with silky black hair slightly curling in just the right places. Long legs held a tall, powerful and full-formed body. Of course he would be stunning! Troy wasn’t surprised. The person _he_ would fall for would have to be perfect, wouldn’t he?

But this man was kind too Troy thought. He could see the softness in the crystal blue of his eyes. They made Troy want to cry... right there in the middle of the store in front of him.

This guy!

Loved by _him_!

***

“Sorry,” the strange man seemed to say it out of habit, rather than because he meant it.

“No problem,” Noah replied.

In the meantime, two clerks arrived to clean up the glass and the mess. Noah returned his attention to Pat. She had since then finished scanning the items through the till.

“That’ll be 47.50 there, Noah," she told him.

Noah patted his pockets; realized to his annoyance that he’d left his wallet in his other jeans.

“Problem?” asked Pat.

“I’m really sorry! I’m going to have to come back another time. I’ve gone and left my wallet at home! I can’t believe it! Do you know this is the second time I’ve tried to do the shopping?”

“I’ll get it.”

Noah turned in surprise to the man behind him. The stranger was already handing a fifty dollar bill over to Patricia.

“No-no really,” Noah said quickly, “you don’t have to do that!”

But Pat was already ringing up the change.

“Please,” insisted the man. “It’s the least I can do after dropping wine all over you.”

“But I don’t have any on me. Really, I can’t accept!”

“Okay, look,” the man replied, grabbing a pen from the till and scribbling his details on a brown paper bag. “Here’s my name and number. You can pay me back if that makes you feel better. At least let me cover it for now.”

Without looking at it, Noah took the paper, frowning in confusion at the stranger. Finally he decided to accept the gesture as the typical friendliness of a small town; smiled at him. “Well, it’s very kind of you! Thanks so much.”

“Don't mention it.” The man was still eyeing him up and down, and despite the seemingly kind act, had not once smiled at Noah.

Noah folded and slipped the brown bag in his pocket; grabbed the handles of the shopping bags... made for the exit. He paused once to say, “Thanks again!”

***

Noah. That was his name. Biblical also... a perfect match to _his_.

Troy found himself distraught. He didn’t bother fetching another bottle of wine. Instead he left the store; watched the broad and beautiful back of that man as he walked away... returning no doubt to _his_ bed and to _his_ life.

Troy didn’t hate this Noah. It wasn’t his fault. That was just the way of it for Troy and the life he knew. Everybody used him. Everybody left. He was unlovable.

He knew that now for certain.

***

After packing the bags in the back of Holden’s truck, Noah couldn’t help but be curious. He reached into this pocket to pull out the paper bag. When he read the name scrawled neatly below the numbers, he swallowed hard; his hands began to shake.

That was him! That was Troy Jenson!

He sprinted back into Olde Town looking for him; finally saw the skinny man walking in the opposite direction.

“Hey Wait!” Noah yelled.

The man spun around.

“You’re Troy?” Noah asked, as soon as he reached him.

He seemed surprised. “You know? You know about me and...?”

“And Luke? Yes, he told me. So you knew who I was? I mean in the shop?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Well, it didn’t really seem the place.” He rubbed his hand on the back of his head.

“Yeah,” Noah agreed, seeing his point, “I guess you’re right. Anyway... um... I’m Noah. Thanks again… for the groceries…”

“No problem.” As Troy turned to continue on his way, something dawned on Noah. “Hang on! Jenson? I think I remember your parents. They used to come into Java for coffee.”

“Yeah, sounds like them.”

“Your family owns The Village restaurant right?”

“Yep, along with other things…” He seemed bored with the line of questioning.

“Wow. I didn’t even know they had a son.”

“Yeah well, neither do they half the time.” Troy shrugged. “I’ve been in one boarding school or another my whole life.”

“Oh, I see. Okay well, see you around?”

“Yeah.”

Noah watched the back of him as he strolled nonchalantly on his way. He felt a thick tightening in his stomach at the thought that this man had been with Luke. _Really_ been with him. He let out a steady stream of air; tried to ignore the images conjured up by his imagination.

“Get a grip, Mayer,” he whispered to himself, “none of that matters!”

***

Holden erected a blue and yellow stripped hammock at the very bottom of Emma’s garden. It was posted between the sturdy trunks of two impressive oak trees... trees that had most likely stood there centuries before the farm.

Luke found a kind of solace there. After helping Holden with a few chores around the farm... and with Noah off in Olde Town picking up the groceries he’d neglected to bring home the night before... Luke was enjoying a snooze within the dipped fabric... having tired of reading his book.

Lily brought the kids around for Sunday lunch and the girls were all busy in the kitchen, giggling and cooking together. Confident child that he was, Ethan had long since run off to his favorite spots around the farm. Luke would occasionally check on Nicholas, who was busying himself nearby with leaf rubbing... the way Holden had shown him.

Luke nodded off for a few minutes, before he heard Ethan’s unmistakable voice... loud and strong as usual... yelling, “Look Nicky! Look what I founded!”

He opened his eyes; shaded them from the winter sun that temporarily blinded him. He watched as the excited Ethan ran up the hill toward a less than enthusiastic Nicholas. Luke had to admit that he was concerned with Nicholas’s disinterest in his brother. The two of them were only a year’s difference in age. They had hoped that spending time with Ethan might help the child develop his seriously lacking social skills. But Nicholas continued to stay glued to Luke and Noah and... besides Holden... he hadn’t said a word to any other family member, least of all Ethan.

He watched as Ethan reached Nicholas; noted how he cupped his hands gently together... lifted one hand up to show Nicholas what was inside. Nicholas stared down at the object. Luke couldn’t make out what it was, but Ethan said, “It’s an egg! It’s an egg from a bird! I founded it on the grass!”

Then Nicholas did something that made Luke jump up quickly from the hammock; head in their direction. The child grabbed Ethan’s egg laden hand, and slapped it against the other child’s chest... thereby destroying the small and fragile object so the yolk inside dripped down the front of Ethan’s t-shirt and through his little fingers.

Ethan didn’t often cry, but after he recovered from the shock of the gesture, the child burst into loud wails and tears. He ran for Luke, and Luke knelt down to meet him. He hiccupped back the sobs, holding his sticky hand out in front of him; trying to speak. “Nic-Nic-Nicky…”

“I saw baby. Come here champ.” He gave his brother a hug. “Sometimes Nicholas doesn’t understand, okay?”

He was lost. How could he explain Nicholas to a child who... in almost every way... had the perfect up-bringing? He had parents who loved him, siblings who adored him, and grandparents who doted on him. He didn’t know what it meant to be slapped, bruised, and neglected. He could never understand... at the tender age of five... why another child would do anything like this to him.

“I just wanted to show him! Why did he break it? I wanted you to help me put it back in the nest.”

“I know sweetheart. But don’t you worry, okay? Usually when they’re on the ground like that, it’s because the mommy bird knows it’s never gonna hatch, okay? So she kicks it out the nest, okay?”

That seemed to make him feel better. Ethan loved nature and could never stand the thought of an animal in pain.

As Luke hugged Ethan to him again, he looked up to catch Nicholas standing stock still... drawings at his feet... arms clenched in tiny fists by his sides. He held an expression of utmost hatred on his usually sweet face... hatred directed at Ethan, Luke knew. His heart froze sadly; realizing for the first time they had a serious problem.


	7. Chapter 7

Nicholas enjoyed making Ethan cry. He didn’t want Ethan around!

He certainly didn’t enjoy the way Ethan ran straight to Luke, or the look Luke gave him for what he did. It was like... like...

Then Luke _held_ Ethan... left with Ethan... didn't look at Nicholas at all.

Why did they love Ethan more than him?

It made Nicholas feel… feel…

He didn’t know what it was. He'd never felt anger before, only fear. And he could feel fear now too... He was scared because Luke and Noah loved Ethan. He could tell… And what if they got tired of him... sent him back? What if they sent him back to his mommy and they took Ethan instead of him? Thinking about his mommy made him shiver, so he rocked himself, but he couldn’t stop remembering and then he…

“Nicky?” Noah’s concerned voice broke through his thoughts. Noah was back! Noah walked quickly toward him with bags in his hands. Nicholas remembered he went to the store. Noah carefully placed the bags on the grass; knelt down beside him. “What is it? What is it, baby?”

But he couldn’t speak, he was still shivering; felt very cold... just kept on rocking.

“Noah,” Luke returned without Ethan, "something wrong?”

“I don’t know…” Noah sounded very worried. Nicholas wondered why. He could feel one of Noah’s hands on his back; one on his forehead. “He’s boiling and shivering... looks like he wet himself.”

Nicholas lifted his terrified eyes as Luke lowered himself to join them on the grass. Luke was going to be mad at him. He knew. Luke would be mad because he broke Ethan’s egg. And Luke loved Ethan more than him!

“How long has he been like this?” Noah asked.

“Um… I don’t know exactly…”

“Think, Luke! When was the last time you saw him?” Noah sounded angry and that scared Nicholas.

“About twenty minutes ago I guess. Look Noah, something happened… with Ethan… and I was sorting that so…”

“You’re supposed to be watching him! You know what he’s like!” Noah was yelling, so Nicholas put his hands over his ears; scrunched up his shoulders.

_Stop! Stop yelling! Don’t be mad! Don’t hit me…_

“Noah...”

“Ethan _has_ parents, Luke! He’s not your responsibility! Nicky is! I can’t believe this!”

“You’re acting crazy!”

“Oh! Oh, right! Crazy. _Look_ at him!” And then Noah did look, and he seemed even more shocked than before. “God, I’m sorry. Sorry, baby. Hey,” Noah was gripping his hands, trying to move them from his ears. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to hear the yelling. Noah stared right at him with scared eyes. “Nicky, I’m not shouting anymore now ,okay? Nobody’s angry. I’m sorry… Okay?”

Nicholas realized he was crying. Things were quiet now, so he let Noah take him. It felt so good with his cheek on Noah’s shirt. It was warm and safe. He felt better.

“Let’s get you cleaned up, buddy…” Noah's voice was soft.

As they walked toward the house Nicholas heard Luke calling, “Noah?”

But Noah didn't stop or turn around.

***

Luke was sitting at the kitchen table when Noah came downstairs, after putting a much improved Nicholas to bed. A nap before lunch would do him good. He wondered where the rest of the Snyder clan were. The kitchen was empty, but he could hear pots bubbling and gurgling. Despite the situation, the smell of roast lamb in the oven made his stomach rumble... reminding him it was lunchtime.

“So,” Luke asked, “were you really that mad at me about Nicholas, or was it _this_ that had you so upset?” He held up the brown paper bag with Troy’s details written on it.

“Where’d you find that?”

“I unpacked the grocery bags while you were upstairs... found it inside.”

Noah rubbed his eyes with his palms and sighed. He had overreacted. He knew that. And Luke was right... meeting Troy had stirred up some deep-seated feelings. His nerves were already on edge when he found Nicholas in that state. The unexpected situation had just intensified them, making it easy for him to lash out. He was trying to be strong; not let _it_ get to him... but the thought of _it_ , even though he and Luke were broken up at the time, still made him feel betrayed in some way. He knew how ridiculous it was, but he couldn’t seem to stop it. 

Luke walked over to him as Noah leaned against the door frame, still standing on the bottom two stairs. Luke’s hazel eyes were staring at him intently.

“I’m sorry,” Noah admitted. “I guess-”

“Did you go looking for him?”

“What? No!” Noah walked past Luke into the kitchen.

“Then why did he give you his number?”

Noah turned with his arms crossed over his chest. “He was in the queue at the store. I didn’t have my wallet so he offered to pay. I didn't realize who he was until he wrote his name down.”

“Shit! That must have been a shock for you.” He briefly ran his hand down Noah's bicep. “Are you okay?”

Luke looked so concerned for him that Noah immediately softened. “It was fine. I just acknowledged who he was and who I was, and then he left. It’s just…” he rolled his eyes to the ceiling as he struggled for the words; let out the shuddered breath he was trying to hide. “Do you have _any_ idea how relieved I was when you told me you never slept with Reid? And I’m sorry because…” he sighed; griped the back of a kitchen chair for support. It was always hard for him to get these kinds of things out, especially when he felt he might hurt Luke in the process. “I know it’s something you really regretted. The main thing you regretted you never had with him.”

Luke nodded. Noah saw that familiar shadow of pain pass over his face. It always did when they spoke about Reid. He felt bad bringing it up because he knew what it meant for Luke, but at the same time he couldn’t explain his feelings without doing so.

“The thought of you with anybody...” he slowly let out a breath of air. “It drives me crazy! So when I saw Troy it just… there were all these thoughts of you with him… I’m sorry!” He shook his head, thinking how pathetic he must sound to Luke. “I shouldn’t have jumped down your throat like I did. I know you love Nicky! And of course... Ethan’s your brother, so you should help him if he needs it. I was just being a stupid, jealous boyfriend!”

“Partner,” Luke corrected.

“What?”

“You’re _way_ more than just a boyfriend, Noah! You and me are partners. And that means it’s okay if sometimes we get frustrated with each other. It’s not the end of the world, Noah! We won’t always agree and we might fight sometimes. We might even yell at each other. But that’s what a partnership is, right? So long as when everything is said and done, we can come to a standstill... like we’re doing right now... and we can tell each other how we’re feeling.”

Noah lowered his head; smiled lightly up at him. He marveled once again at Luke's incredible way of sorting his emotions into intelligible sentences. 

“It’s okay, Noah. It’s okay for you to feel upset. Hell! You _know_ what I’m like when I get jealous! If anything you’re handling the whole situation way better than I would!”

Noah laughed. “Maybe we're just as bad as each other?”

“And you can tell me…” Luke continued. “I’m not going to run away!”

“I know.”

Luke stuck his hands in his pocked; swayed from side-to-side, something he did when he was being sheepish. He smiled that cute and totally irresistible smile out the corner of his mouth. “So... do you think I could… maybe… get a hug?”

Noah laughed as a few tears fell. “I’d love to hug you…”

So he did.

***

Luke came up behind Noah; gently massaged his shoulders as he sat at the kitchen table, recovering from the story Luke told about Nicholas.

“So what do we do?” he asked sadly.

Luke kissed the top of his head; resumed the pressure on Noah’s back and neck. “Maybe we need to call someone in…”

“You mean a shrink?”

“Yeah. A child psychologist. Maybe Betty knows someone we can use.”

“And in the meantime?”

Luke dug his elbow into a particularly tight spot near to Noah’s spine, making him wince and groan with that combination of pain and relief. Noah waited for him to speak. He laughed to himself thinking how strange it was that he could almost hear Luke’s mind turning. “Maybe we should try to talk to him first. Explain things to him. Nicholas has this acute and vivid awareness of everything around him... Have you noticed?”

Noah nodded. He had noticed. It was clear in the artwork he presented.

Luke continued. “I think… I think it might be a survival mechanism that he’s developed over his life, you know? Like he had to be aware of his environment to stay safe.”

Noah slumped; shook his head sadly. Yes, that made sense. “I think you’re right. It’s the same with how he hears and sees everything and then sometimes I think he gets scared like this because…”

“…because he misinterprets the information.” Luke completed.

“Yes.”

Luke sighed; came around to sit opposite Noah in another chair. He placed a hand on each of Noah’s knees; leaning on him slightly. “Poor, kid.”

Just then Emma and Lily popped their heads through the back door.

“Is it safe?” asked Lily jokingly. She could already see the two of them were no longer at loggerheads. Both Luke and Noah laughed.

“For now…” Noah smiled.

“Well that is good news,” exclaimed Emma, already putting on her gloves to check on the oven roast. “I’ve got some seriously hungry mouths to feed out there!”

“Come on you…” said Luke, pulling Noah up on his feet and steering him outside, where the family had decided to dine alfresco that afternoon. Emma kept commenting on how mild it was for the time of year, so although it was far from warm, it was reasonably comfortable for them all to enjoy the fresh and dry air of near spring.

“Is Nicky still asleep?” asked Ethan, bitterly disappointed. He had long since forgotten the incident in the garden... as only a small child could... and he was still eagerly trying to win Nicholas' friendship.

“Yes he is, buddy,” Luke replied, rubbing his hands through Ethan’s hair; taking his seat at the table.

“Will he play with me later maybe?” Ethan asked, hopefully.

“We’ll see, baby,” Luke replied. “I hope so.”

Noah locked worried eyes with Luke from across the table. Luke stretched out his hand and Noah instantly took it to share a quick squeeze of comfort, before Emma started the prayer.

***

“Be careful, Nicky! Don’t fall, okay?” Noah called after him as the boy began to climb the makeshift ladder.

Years ago Holden had nailed the ladder with large iron bolts... now slightly rusted... neatly into the trunk of the tree. The blocks of cedar wood that formed the rungs of the ladder ran up the tree at an angle, until they reached the solid wooden platform erected above. Adorning the platform was a crude hut-like shelter, proudly displaying a rather battered and tatty Jolly Roger flag. This was tied via string to an old broom handle. It blew softly in the light wind.

Noah wondered at how he’d never noticed it before. He supposed it took a child’s viewpoint to discover something like that.

“It’s The Walrus!” Luke stated proudly, as they stood watching Nicholas' slow progress upward.

“The what?” Noah asked, laughing.

“You know,” explained Luke, as if it were obvious, “from Treasure Island? The storybook?” Then using his interpretation of a pirate’s accent he said, “So it was with the old Walrus, Flint’s old ship, as I’ve seen a-muck with the red blood and fit to sink with gold!”

Noah laughed loudly at him, in that way only Luke could ever make him. “You are ridiculous sometimes!”

Luke snorted. “Dad built it for me when I was eight, I think… I sailed far and wide in that pirate ship, let me tell you!”

“You did, ha?” Seeing Nicholas slip slightly he yelled, “Carefully, baby! There’s no hurry to reach the top!”

The child climbed each rung tentatively, but seemed determined to reach his goal. The tree-house was miles from the farm. The three of them had taken a walk after Nicholas finished eating his lunch, just to give the child some space from the family. Now as he watched this child, Noah couldn’t help but imagine the boy Luke was, dropping his bags in the farmhouse and running first thing to his little ship in the woods; playing long hours purely through the use of his wild imagination... an imagination he would later use to write amazing stories. Noah found himself wondering about that. It seemed a long time since he'd seen Luke write anything. “Luke?”

“Mmm?”

“Why don’t you write anymore?”

Luke looked surprised by the question. “That’s funny?”

“What is?”

“I was just wondering that myself... I used to sit up there for hours writing. I loved it! It just seemed to come naturally to me.”

“Well you’re great at it, so… why did you stop?”

“I don’t know really,” Luke contemplated. “I guess when we started the foundation I had less time for it. And then I had Grimaldi Shipping and then the Neuro Wing. So…”

“Well,” Noah suggested, his eyes firmly fixed on Nicholas, “with Grimaldi Shipping on the way to being sold, maybe you should think about it again.”

“What? Become a writer?”

Noah nodded.

“You mean full-time?”

Noah’s attention returned fully to Luke. “Well yeah, why not? You always wanted to be one! And if you don’t become an author, maybe you can get a job at a paper. Be a reporter instead?”

Luke bit his lower lip in thought, a kind of dreamy smile on his face.

“I can tell you like the idea…” Noah teased, bumping sideways into him.

Luke bent a twig he was playing with in his hands. Finally he smiled fully at Noah. “You really do know me better than anyone. I’ll think about it!”

“Good,” said Noah, happily, “I’m glad.”

Just then they were interrupted when Nicholas yelled, “Lookit! I did it! I climb-ded up!”

Sure enough he was now atop the platform, beaming from head to toe in pride for his achievement. They both laughed, clapped and cheered loudly for him.

“Bravo!” yelled Luke through his cupped hands.

“That’s brilliant, Nicky!” Noah agreed. “Aren’t you a big boy?”

“That’s easy!” stated a self assured voice beside them, making both of them jump. It was Ethan. Apparently he'd followed the threesome on their stroll. “I can do that too, watch how fast, okay?”

They nodded at him; smiles on their faces.

Ethan strode up to the tree in what was clearly an imitation of his father. He gripped the first rung of the ladder; whipped his way up the trunk like a cat... reached the top with practiced ease. He stood next to Nicholas with his hands firmly placed on his hips... obviously imitating Peter Pan... glowing with smugness.

“Wow, Ethan,” Luke agreed, “that was _really_ fast!”

“Oh yes,” agreed Noah, clapping his hands, “well done! I’m sure nobody is quicker than you.” Ethan giggled then, loudly

Both Luke and Noah saw it happening…

They lunged forward screaming, “No!” simultaneously, as Nicholas placed both palms flat on Ethan’s back; pushed with all his might... sent the other child plummeting with a scream to the still frozen ground below.


	8. Chapter 8

They both heard his bone break. It sounded just like a twig snapping underfoot; only it was slightly more solid.

At first Ethan was silent with shock. He laid stock still on the floor, and both men thought the worst. But then he released a soul crushing wail of pain, sitting up and holding his damaged arm against his little chest.

As Luke ran desperately to Ethan’s aide, Noah gazed up at Nicholas, staring with shocked astonishment back at him... tiny mouth gaped open in surprise. “Nicholas, get down from there! You get down from there right _now_! You hear me?” The child started suddenly... utter confusion quickly crossing his brow. “Nicholas! I am not kidding!”

As the child made his slow way back down the tree, Noah joined Luke on the floor with Ethan.

“Hey Eth," Noah said, softly, "let me see, okay?” Ethan was less than enthusiastic about allowing either of them near the source of his suffering, but he sniffed bravely; allowed Noah to carefully draw the arm out. “Oh, Luke! It’s definitely broken.” Quickly he checked on the rest of Ethan, smoothing along his head and legs and torso. Finding no further damage, he rounded on Nicholas; who by this stage had made it to the ground; was standing just a few yards behind them. “Why would you do this Nicky? You never do this! You hear me? You never hurt somebody!”

Nicholas’s eyes were large and bright blue against the sun. At the tone of Noah’s voice he started to shake; bottom eyelids filling with tears that formed as droplets on his long lashes. His chin quivered.

Noah immediately turned back to Luke and a sobbing Ethan.

“Mommy! I want Mommy!” Ethan kept repeating.

“I know, baby,” Noah assured him. “We’re going to find Mommy right now…”

Luke seemed dumbstruck, completely frozen from the fear of his brother’s fall… of how bad it could have been. Also shocked, Noah saw the panic in his features and reached out to hold his shoulder. “Its okay! He’ll be fine. Can you help me get him back to the house? He’ll need to go to the hospital.” Luke was unresponsive at first. “Luke!” Luke snapped quickly out of it; nodded and gently pulled his brother up and into his arms.

As Noah got back to his feet, Luke scanned the surroundings... frowned. “Noah?”

“Yeah?”

“Where’s Nicky?” A new kind of panic laced his voice.

Noah stared suddenly horrified at the space where Nicholas was stood just a moment before.

He was gone.

***

Troy must have walked or driven by the store a hundred times or more. He knew it was there and what they sold, but he’d never given the dark and drab looking shop much thought. Why would he, when he had no reason to be there? Before now that was…

He was surprised to find the shop open. He wondered who would visit the place on a Sunday; then almost laughed manically at himself. Well he was there, wasn’t he?

It took him some time to work up the resolve to enter, but eventually he pushed open the glass-fronted door; an old fashioned bell tinkling prettily above him. He thought what a juxtaposition that was… 

The moment his eyes fell on the merchandise he realized it wouldn’t be a simple job to purchase one. There were seemingly thousands to choose from, all different shapes, sizes, colors…

“Can I help you?” The bearded man behind the counter looked like he hadn’t bathed in weeks. He wore jeans and a faded navy t-shirt that was cut too small, his substantial paunch spilling out over his belt. His hair was greased back, but not purposefully… having most likely never seen sight of shampoo in the man’s entire lifetime. Troy couldn’t tell how long that might have been.

“Urm… yeah… I guess?” He stammered nervously. He wondered what the owner or clerk or whatever he was thought about the people who entered the store. Troy thought he must wonder about his clientele. He must wonder why they would need to buy a…

“You here to buy, or you just looking?” The man seemed annoyed by Troy’s lack of speediness. “I ain’t got all day, ya know?”

Troy frowned; looked around. He was the only customer, so he couldn’t think what the man was so busy doing. “Um… to buy,” he replied, eventually.

“Okay… What kind are ya looking for?”

***

“Nicky?” Noah called loudly, frantically scanning the horizon, hoping to catch sight of his red hooded coat in the distance or along the tree line. He briefly wandered in the direction he thought the child must have gone, desperately searching through the tree trunks. “Nicky!” he tried again, but there was no response except the call of birds; the rustling of the wind through the leaves. He turned back; locked eyes with Luke from the distance... shook his head as the reality of the situation began to sink in. They were miles from the farmhouse, and this was a thickly wooded forest that ran right around the boundaries of Oakdale.

“Nicky!” It was Luke calling this time.

“Don’t panic! Don’t panic.” Noah whispered to himself as he made his way back over to Luke.

“Noah?” he asked fearfully.

“I know... Um... Look, you need to get Ethan back to the house! He needs a doctor. Then bring a search party, okay? I don’t have my phone, so… um…” he looked around thinking wildly. “I’ll come back here in exactly two hours, whether I find him or not. Meet me okay? And bring my phone!”

Luke’s eyes were welling up! The shock and pain for his brother mingling with fear for Nicholas.

“Hurry!” Noah said sternly, bringing him back to the other urgent task at hand. First Luke had to take care of Ethan, and then he could help Noah find Nicholas. He rubbed Luke’s cheek quickly; nodded at him... tried to assure him in that moment that everything would be okay. “I’ll find him!” He wished he sounded more hopeful.

He watched as Luke made a steady pace back through the clearing and up the hill. He had a long way to go, and Ethan was no longer a light weight to carry. Ice crystals already began to settle on Noah’s insides. Again he scanned the expanse of the forest. Only a few minutes ago the place had represented peace and tranquility, but now it seemed massive and dark and deadly... this forest of live and ancient oaks that had swallowed their child.

***

Troy held it in the palm of his hand. It was weightier than he had expected. His hand shook slightly with fearful anticipation of what he had planned.

“Perfect choice for what you want!” The man insisted. “It’s really all you need.”

Troy nodded. “Okay, I’ll take it!”

“Great! I’ll box it up for you.” Troy handed it back and the man set to work creating a neat package for him to carry. “Oh, and you’ll need some of these.” He reached under the counter and placed a smaller box down. “That’ll be $400 on the money!”

Troy hesitated for just one minute before taking out his wallet.

***

“Mom! Dad! Help!” Luke was yelling before he’d even reached the kitchen door. His arms were breaking from the weight of carrying Ethan all the way home, and he was afraid he’d drop him.

Holden was first outside. “Luke? What is it?” Then seeing his younger son’s grimace of agony, immediately grabbed him out of Luke’s arms. “What happened?”

Before Luke could answer, Lily’s cry of alarm interrupted them, “Ethan?”

“Mommy!” Ethan cried, lifting his good arm out to her, but Holden bolted past under the shocked gaze of Emma and the girls.

“Clear that table will you girls?” Holden asked. They quickly scurried to make room. Holden lay Ethan down on the surface; Natalie slipped a cushion under his little head and gently stroked his hair. Thus placed, Holden went about examining the damaged arm.

“Nicholas push-ted me!” cried Ethan. A person might have expected Ethan’s tone to be accusatory, but it wasn’t in Ethan’s nature to scorn anyone or anything. He was merely stating the fact of it.

“What?” asked Lily, directing the question to Luke.

“He didn’t mean it!” Luke insisted, shaking his head. “He pushed him like little kids sometimes push each other… in frustration, you know? But… it’s just… it’s just that when he did, they were up in the tree house so…” He started to sag with the panic; leaned on the kitchen counter. “God! Oh, God! What must the little guy be thinking?”

“Luke? Son?” Holden left Lily and Ethan to grip Luke by his shoulders. “Calm down, okay? You are no use to Ethan or us if you fall apart! He’s broken his arm and that’s bad, but he’ll be fine, okay? There’s no reason to panic!”

“No, Dad! You don’t understand! He’s gone?”

“Who is?”

“Nicholas! We were so busy with Ethan... and when we turned to go he was gone! Oh, shit!” his hands cupped his face as the fear hit him again.

“Where’s Noah?”

“Oh dear, Lord!” Emma exclaimed from somewhere beside them.

“He stayed to look for him, but I had to bring Ethan.”

“You did the right thing! Lily?” She didn’t answer him at first, her attention completely on Ethan, whispering a mother’s words of comfort. “Lily!” he repeated louder and she looked up at him. “Do you think you can manage taking Ethan to the hospital alone, so I can help with Nicky?”

She nodded; set immediately to work looking for her car keys. “Come and help me carry him, Faith,” she instructed.

As they reached the door she kissed Luke’s cheek. “Call me with updates, please! And don’t worry. Your Dad will find him!”

Both Luke and Holden nodded as they left. Holden turned to Luke, trying to give him some strength. “I know, okay? Remember when Ethan fell down that mine shaft? I know what it's like. I know how scared you are for Nicky, but we’ll find him! He’s little! He won’t get far!”

Luke nodded again through his fear and tears, as Holden lifted the nearest phone to arrange a search party.

***

Troy took time making the preparations... inventing up his own ritual as he went. He chose his favorite room in the house, the parlor room... where they would usually entertain their guests. It was bright and airy in there, with an almost constant surreal quality due to the skylight. The sunlight would dance across the furniture; make the dust particles in the air visible to the naked eye. They sparkled as they floated by. The room was almost like he imagined heaven to be.

His father was in Germany on a business trip. His mother was in France visiting a relative. He gave all the staff a few days off. In fact he ordered them out of the house. So it was just him.

He laid the items of this intent carefully, reverently before him on the coffee table, bedecked with a white table cloth. He set them just so. He took pride in the act, like he had taken pride in his appearance only an hour before. He was scrubbed clean; dressed in the suit he’d asked Geoffrey to lay out for him. His hair was neatly styled and cut at the barber the day before. He’d never had short hair before, but it looked good he thought. It made him looked distinguished... older.

But now it was time to see _him_.

***

Panic chilled Noah's bones, just as the wind chilled the exposed skin of his face and hands. It had picked up since midday; grown distinctly icier. Ordinarily Noah might not have noticed if he wasn’t all too aware of what it meant. They had to find Nicholas before nightfall. It was going to be cold. Very cold!

“Oh, God! Please don’t let this be happening!” he thought. “Please! Where is he?”

He had thoroughly searched the thicket and woods in the area where he thought Nicholas might be hiding; slowly backtracked up and down further into the deep forest. His heart hurt. It was hammering too hard, and his voice was hoarse from calling out to Nicholas; begging him to answer... apologizing... expressing his love. But nothing…

He knew he’d have to make his way back to the tree house soon, but he dreaded seeing the look on Luke’s face when he turned up empty-handed.

“Nicky? Please baby?” he screamed again, praying he would appear from behind one of the large trees, safe and well.

But there was no Nicholas.

***

Holden gathered a search party reasonably quickly. An emergency procedure was already in place between all farmers in the area in case of forest fire or animal sickness. All Holden had to do was contact the main radio watch tower to call it in. Within minutes they caught the headlights of his neighbors’ trucks making their speedy way up the long farm road.

But despite the quick reaction they received, the wait for them to arrive and be coordinated felt like agony to Luke. He already vomited against the side of the house, thoughts of Nicholas falling down a crevice or being swept away by a river current, plaguing his mind... driving him crazy. He prayed harder than he'd ever prayed before, that Noah would suddenly arrive, carrying the child safely home. His eyes scanned often in that direction, but there was no sight of them. No relief.

He felt Emma’s hand on his back, rubbing in circles like she always did to comfort her grandchildren. “Chin up now. The child _will_ be found! I just know it!”

He smiled gratefully at her for at least trying to sound positive. But Emma couldn’t lie, and the worry was ingrained deep within the lines on her face.

Finally Luke couldn’t take anymore. He matched back inside to find Holden and a couple of the other farmers leaning over a map they’d lain out on the kitchen table. Luke noticed how Holden flagged the location of the tree house and then drew around that to indicate a search zone he thought reasonable for a lost child that young.

“Dad… Dad?” he interrupted as Holden issued instructions. “We have to get moving so we can rendezvous with Noah! Please! Maybe he’s found him!”

“It’s okay, Luke,” Holden said calmly. “We’re all ready to go now.” Then to the men in the room. “Everyone has a search location, flashlight and phone, right?” There were a couple of nods, grunts and words of affirmation. “Thank you so much!” Holden said finally. “We really appreciate your help!”

Luke was already bolting back out the kitchen door. He looked back to make sure his father was following... not watching his step... knocked hard into somebody coming the other way. Luke rocked on his feet... almost losing his balance... but staying upright by grabbing onto the arms of the other man.

“Sorry,” Luke exclaimed, turning in the same instance. “I’m really sor-” His words cut short at the look of stark intent in the eyes of the other man holding Luke steady by his elbows.

It was Troy.


	9. Chapter 9

Troy had never seen _him_ this way. Luke was pale, and as Troy continued to hold firm to his elbows, it was clear he was shivering violently... russet eyes dark with alarm. There was so much emotion! More emotion than he had ever shown to Troy! This wasn’t what Troy had expected... this situation. There were people _everywhere_! The kitchen swarmed with them, and many more were milling around outside.

“Troy?” Luke was confused. It was obvious Troy was the last person he'd expected to see. Troy felt a pang deep in his gut when a look of displeasure crossed the man's features. “What are you doing here?” It was accusatory... annoyed.

“You said we could be friends… so?” he knew how lame he sounded.

“Look Troy... I’m sorry... now really isn’t a good time...” He was trying to move past Troy; trying to disconnect his elbows from Troy’s grasp.

“Wait!” yelled Troy, his tone was pathetic and he knew it. “Has something happened?”

Luke sighed heavily. “Look Troy, I really don’t have time for this right now! My son is missing!”

Troy felt his legs lose all sense of strength. He willed himself not to fall down in a devastated heap on the floor in front of Luke. A child! They had a child together! It was far worse than he imagined. Luke really was gone for good!

“Troy, could you let go please?”

Troy came out of his sub-consciousness and back into the room. Reluctantly he let go. “Yeah, sorry…” He was staring... he knew... but he couldn’t help it. “Can I help? I’d really like to help.”

“We could use all the help we can get, son!” He knew the older man speaking was Luke's father. Holden shuffled them both out of the doorway so that the rest of the men could exit and start the search for the missing child.

Standing in the conservatory as the men rushed past, Troy looked at Luke expectantly... waiting for permission. He wouldn’t stay if Luke didn’t want it. And Troy’s heart glowed when the blonde nodded. Troy smiled at him. “I’ll help you find him. How old is he?” Troy was surprised he could still speak.

“He’s four. He’s got black hair, and he’s wearing a red hooded coat. His name is… His name is…” Luke was wild with panic. “We have to find him! We have to find him before it get’s dark! It’s too fucking cold! It’s too cold for him to be out all night!” His breathing was becoming labored. “Oh God! Oh God! Please!”

He was breaking down. Troy stood amazed. I was like he was a different person to the man Troy had seduced the year before. That guy had been withdrawn... closed up... impassive; like he didn’t feel anything or care about anything. Oh there _was_ pain! Troy saw that! It was the one emotion Luke couldn’t seem to hide. But Troy had never seen this kind of behavior by him. He wanted to kick a hole in the kitchen door! It was this Noah! It was this Noah and this new life he had found! It was Noah and this child that he loved... that motivated him... that brought him to life!

Suddenly Troy took a chance to hold Luke... even if it was briefly. He slid his hands under Luke's arms and around his back. At first Luke didn’t react, but then finally he returned the hug, merely to have something to hang onto... to prevent him from falling to the ground. He sobbed into Troy’s coat. Troy closed his eyes, soaking it up... trying to savor it. Then all too soon Luke's father pulled them apart... took over the hug.

“Dad!” he cried in misery.

“Come on, Luke! Come on, son! You need to stay strong, okay?” He pulled back to smooth his son’s blonde hair back; kiss his forehead.

Luke nodded at his father, hitching back a sob; standing stronger and more resolute... as if his father’s hug was all he had needed to get his head back in gear.

***

Nicholas wished he could come out, but he saw… Noah was angry. Noah was angry at him. Noah was angry like Mommy and her friends. He was scared. What would they do to him? Maybe they loved him because they didn’t know what a bad boy he was! His Mommy knew! She always told him so! But now they knew too! He was a very bad boy! They were angry because he hurt Ethan. And he knew Granddad would be mad too!

And they loved Ethan more than him.

He was sure that if he came out he would get a smack. And they would send him back to Mommy because he was a pain. He knew he was because Mommy told him so! And she would _really_ hurt him! She would be _really_ mad that he left with Luke and Noah! He knew!

It was very cold and dark now as he leaned his head against the wood. He was tired and cold, but he was scared to sleep in case they came. If they came, then he would run away again! But otherwise he would stay there. He would never come out. He would live there forever! He would really miss Luke and Noah. He wished he was with them now. He wished they were hugging him now; telling him they loved him. He didn’t mean to hurt Ethan! He didn’t know Ethan would fall…

He wanted Luke and Noah…

***

Most of the search party arrived at the tree house by the time Tory accompanied Luke and Holden down the hill to the epicenter of the search. He watched Luke scan the crowd; knew he was eagerly looking for signs of Noah... still hoping he might have found the boy. They caught sight of the tall figure staggering out of the woods to the left... walking sullenly... shoulders slumped. Luke let out a gasp of sadness as the three of them headed toward him... the two men's eyes locked in shared dread.

Noah shook his head at them. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Luke assured him.

Noah brought shaky hands up over his nose and mouth as Luke stared out over the expanse of forest.

“Noah, I’ll need you to tell me where you’ve already looked, okay?” asked Holden, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “So we don’t waste time searching the same spot twice.”

Noah was out of breath... in an obvious state of distress... but he nodded. “Um…" he looked back the way he had came; pointed. “I’ve been right across that bit of tree line… right up to that large bolder over there… do you see it?” Holden nodded. “I went up and down for about ten miles and… nothing and….” The hands went back to his face as he sobbed and fell to the grass... shuddering uncontrollably. “Where is he? I shouldn’t have yelled at him! I shouldn’t have! It’s all my fault!”

Luke was crying too, but he didn’t move to comfort Noah because Holden knelt in front of the brunette; put a hand on each of his shoulders. He spoke over Noah’s bowed head. “Now son, there is no way that this is your fault.”

“It is! He’s not like other children!”

“Yes! Yes he is!” Holden answered quickly and sternly.

Noah looked up at him, frowning.

“Noah! The boy did something wrong and you told him off… and there is nothing wrong with that! That’s how he learns what’s right and what’s wrong! By listening to you and to Luke and by following your example! You did the right thing, okay? What the boy lacks is assurance… trust… that you won’t leave him…”

Noah still didn’t look convinced but he nodded.

“Now I want you and Luke to stay here okay?”

“What?” Both Noah and Luke answered simultaneously.

“The two of you are a mess. You’re no use to us in this state. We have enough people searching...” He stood back up; pointed toward the woodland where they could hear the cries of people calling for Nicholas; would occasionally catch a flashlight through the trunks and leaves.

Just then Jack Snyder strode down the hill, accompanied by Dusty Donavan and a younger boy Troy knew as Parker. “Sorry it took so long for us to get here! We were fishing a few miles outside of Oakdale. Any luck?” Jack surveyed the scene as he spoke.

“We’re still looking," Holden said. "Thanks for coming!”

“Of course,” said Dusty. “As if we wouldn’t!” He knelt beside Noah with a hand on his shoulder. “How you hanging in their, kid?” But it was a question he didn’t expect an answer to. He could see for himself. “We’ll find him! Try not to worry.” He patted Noah’s back twice more; stood to turn to Luke. “Luke?”

“I’m okay, thanks Dusty.”

“Right then,” said Jack. “Let’s get out there!”

Luke sat beside Noah on the grass as they watched the Snyder men join the search. After a few minutes Noah leaned sideways into Luke. Luke wrapped Noah's head with his arms; laid his forehead on the nape of Noah's neck. They stayed that way listening to the cries in the forest... frozen together in fear for their child.

Troy stood behind them in silence... completely forgotten.

He was now even more certain about what had to be done.

***

After three hours of searching and still no sign of Nicholas, Holden began to fear the worst. It was freezing cold, and although the child was warmly dressed, he wouldn’t know to fall asleep under shelter. Holden decided it was time to call in the police. With much difficulty he convinced the boys to return with him to the farmhouse. Luke’s strange friend followed behind. Holden didn’t know him, but he thought perhaps he could be there for the two of them.

Emma immediately wrapped all three boys in blankets; poured mugs of coffee for each of them. Troy sipped his; watched the other two men over the top of this mug. Neither Luke nor Noah took a sip of theirs. Both stared at their mugs... silent... locked deep within their own thoughts.

Sometime during the night Lily and the girls returned to the farm with Ethan fast asleep in his mother's arms... his broken arm in a plaster cast. Lily kissed both Luke and Noah gently, before taking Ethan to bed; heart breaking for them... her own soul terrified for the small little boy lost in the woods.

By the following midday, the search party had grown two fold with the addition of Margo’s police officers. They tried to use tracking dogs to locate the child during the night, but the dogs merely caught the first scent from the direction of the farm. They seemed unable to locate another track.

Luke and Noah hadn't moved from the kitchen table. It was a terrible weight… the feeling like you should be doing something but having no idea what to do! A feeling of absolute helplessness.

But they knew Holden was right. They were unable to think rationally in their current state, and could end up risking the search instead of aiding it. They hadn’t spoken much either. They would periodically hold hands or lay a head on each other’s shoulders, but speaking terrified them. Neither of them wanted to vocalize the terrible knowledge that the night had possibly been too cold for a child to survive outdoors. If they spoke, they might feed off each other’s panic and completely lose themselves in it.

Neither of them even cared that Troy sat there at the table with them too... saying nothing... just watching.

***

Ethan woke up too early and in good spirits, despite the events of the day before. His arm was no longer painful and Faith drew a flower on his plaster cast, suddenly turning the thing into something of a novelty. He ran around for a while asking people to sign it, but when he came to Luke and Noah was stopped dead by their expressions.

“Are you sad?” he asked, innocently surveying the table where Luke, Noah and Troy still sat.

Luke nodded.

“How come?”

“Come Ethan!” Natalie entered the room, just in time to rescue them. “Let’s leave Luke and Noah alone for a while, okay?”

“Okay,” he accepted half-heartedly.

“Why don’t you run down to the barn and say hello to the horses?” she asked, giving him a task she knew would last at least until breakfast... at the same time would give everyone and their fraught nerves a break.

But then later at breakfast... returned from the barn... Ethan seemed suddenly sullen and sad.

“Come on, Ethan,” Lily pushed, “finish your eggs, please!”

Ethan sighed; stared at his plate... leaned his head on his good arm. His eyes wandered over the people at the table… his sisters, his brother, Noah and this other man he didn’t know. Nobody else was eating, so he didn’t see why he should.

“And elbow off the table!” Lily chastised. She was sick with worry over Nicholas, not to mention the state of Luke and Noah. She just didn’t have the energy for Ethan; who was for some reason choosing this exhausting moment to misbehave.

“Is Nicky in trouble?” he asked suddenly.

The adults... deadly tired from a sleepless night... exchanged looks around the table. It was silently conveyed that Lily should answer.

“No, baby,” she assured him.

Ethan crinkled up his nose, deep in thought. “'Cause I'm not mad he pushed me..."

"We know, baby..."

"If Daddy finds Nicky, is he going back to his mommy?”

Noah took in a deep shuddered breath that prompted Luke to place an arm around him.

Lily almost lost it then. “Ethan, stop asking silly questions and finish your breakfast!”

“I’m not hungry!” he complained, sticking his fork in a slice of sausage; toying with it. He considered something for a while and then asked, “Can I take some apples to the horses?”

Lily sighed. She glanced over at Luke and Noah... her poor boys just barley holding it together... and then decided to let him go. He could eat later if he grew hungry. “Okay,” she said, “but just this once, you hear? This business of skipping meals stops!”

“Yay!” He hopped off the stool; took the paper bag of apples from his mother... scooted off out the door.

***

Troy left after lunch. He seemed reluctant to go, as though he had something he wanted to say.

“Is there something else, Troy?” asked Luke. He didn’t mean to sound irritated, but he just had too much on his mind... and it was definitely awkward having Troy around. It felt like an intrusion.

Troy seemed about to leave, but then turned back. “I know this is a bad time for you… what with your child missing and…”

Luke could feel his stomach turning. Was this guy serious? Nicholas was missing! Was he really going to do this now?

“I came by last night because I wanted to say... you’re a really great guy. The best guy. And I know it didn’t mean much to you but, I’m really grateful for the time you gave me… I just wanted to say that.”

Luke nodded. “You’re a great guy too, Troy. Really you are. Like I said before, I _am_ sorry… and thank you… for your help tonight.”

Troy held up his hand. “I’m glad you’re happy. I mean… Noah… he seems like a really nice guy.”

“He is…”

“Okay... well... I guess this is goodbye then.”

Luke watched as he drove off, feeling bad that he hoped never to see him again. Troy was good person, and perhaps in another life they could have been friends, but he'd become a reminder of a terrible time... a reminder Luke definitely hadn’t needed at that particular moment.

He sniffed and re-entered the house to find Noah.

***

Thankfully Ethan stayed relatively out of their hair. Except for a few trips in and out of the house, he’d not bothered them much. He seemed pretty preoccupied with something.

“I can’t believe this is happening!” Noah said, not for the first time.

Ethan was about to make another trip out of the house... carrying what looked like a box of toy cars... when Lily caught him and said, “Oh no you don’t! You haven’t eaten a thing all day, mister! She grabbed the box; placed it on the kitchen counter... lifted him up to sit him at the table with Luke and Noah.

“Ah, man!” he moaned, banging his hands on the table making them jump.

“Ethan,” Luke chastised, “please, buddy!” Luke turned his head oddly to the side... at almost a ninety degree angle. His face wrinkled into a frown.

“Luke?” asked Noah, their feelings so in tune he immediately sensed a strange charge emanating from him.

Noah started as Luke’s hand suddenly shot out and grabbed at Ethan’s broken arm.

“Ouch!” Ethan moaned. “Luuukkke!”

Luke’s eyes widened. “Ethan?” His tone was serious. “Where is he?”

Ethan’s face fell suddenly. He hunched up his shoulders; slid down in his chair.

“Luke?” Noah asked again, this time with more urgency.

Luke pulled Ethan’s arm within Noah’s eyesight.

There... beautifully drawn on white plaster cast... was the picture of a horse grazing grass on a hillside.


	10. Chapter 10

_It was quick and easy to reach the main barn from the backdoor of the farmhouse. It was just a short walk down the hill after all. But Ethan would always take the long route…_

_First he would sprint to the garden wall, each time trying to be faster than the last. Then he would climb up his Grandma Emma’s flower trellis (further challenged this time by his broken arm, but thoroughly impressed with himself for making it) so that he could walk... arms extended for balance... along the top of the wall. The wall took him right to the very end of the upper garden, where it stepped away to allow him safe access back to the ground. A green wooden arch... which in summer would usually be covered in white climbing roses... would lead him into the much wilder lower garden... the only manicured bit being the path that led down to the stream._

_If you followed this path the whole way down, you would eventually come to a small stone bridge that allowed you to cross the stream without getting your feet wet or muddy. But of course this was far too simple for Ethan. Instead he would veer to the right and use the stepping stones to hope across. He never fell in! He was an expert!_

_Once on the other side, the farmland would open out before him; dusky and brilliant in the morning light. And then he would march with deliberation across the final few yards to the barn._

_He loved to visit the horses in the morning! They were always so excited to see somebody, knowing they were about to be fed either their breakfast or a treat of some sort. This made them ultra affectionate._

_“Cupboard love…” Grandma Emma would say._

_He made his way from stall to stall, petting each eager head... doling out treats. He whispered to them the way his father did, eventually coming upon his own pony, Nash._

_“Hi Nashie!” He giggled as the pony nuzzled his neck. “Urg! That tickles horsie!”_

_He lifted his good left hand; stroked Nash right from the tan diamond between his eyes to the tip of his nose. The pony sneezed and Ethan laughed again. “Bless you! You hungry boy?”_

_Nash seemed to nod in agreement, so Ethan grabbed a carrot from the bag by the stall door. He held out his hand and the pony took it, making loud crunching noises of satisfaction._

_But then some other noise caught Ethan’s attention. It was a strange rustling sound... nothing like the usual barn noises... not that of a horse’s hoof shuffling on the floor. It was coming from his dad’s old storage closet at the other end of the barn. He wondered if it could be one of the farm cats. Naturally curious, he walked over to investigate._ _He flung open the closet doors, expecting an animal to come flying out, but was instead confronted by Nicholas, cowering in the corner with a terrified stare._

_“Nicky!” He exclaimed with loud surprise. “Awwww! You are in_ big _trouble! Evewybody’s looking for you!_ Evewybody _! Even Uncle Jack! And he’s a policeman!”_ _The other boy was shaking. Ethan wondered why he looked so scared._ _“Why you hiding?”_

_Nicholas hesitantly lifted his finger; pointed at the cast on Ethan’s arm. "_ _Sowwy,” he said softly._

_Excited to finally get any reaction out of Nicholas, Ethan brightened up with a radiant smile. “That’s ‘kay! This pas-tor-cast is real cool! And people wroted on it and Faith draw-ded a flower, see?” He shoved his arm right under Nicholas’ nose._

_..._

_Still nervous at the other boy’s sudden presence, Nicholas leaned forward to peer down at the tiny picture. He smiled softly. He lifted his head and saw only friendship in the other boy’s eyes. He saw suddenly that Ethan had kind eyes like Luke. They were the same color as chocolate ice-cream._

_“Did you sleep in the barn all night?” asked Ethan in a half whisper of amazement._

_Nicholas nodded._

_Ethan considered this for a minute, then grinned. “Cool! That’s so cool! Mommy would never let me do that!”_

_“Luke and Noah are mad at me,” he stated sadly._

_***_

_“Ye-ah,” said Ethan, drawing out the sound uncertainly with an added shrug. “I guess?” They_ had _both been acting very strange that morning. Although Ethan could swear they seemed more sad than angry._

_“I don’t want to go back to Mommy.”_

_“You don’t?” Ethan was confused by this. He always wanted to go back to his mommy. He clambered into the tight closet space to sit opposite Nicholas; drew his knees up to his chest. “Why not?”_

_“Mommy hits me hard. And her friends hit me…” His lower lip quivered at the thought of it._

_Ethan frowned. “And Luke and Noah are sending you back there?” It didn’t sound like something they would do, but then adults were always difficult to understand. He couldn’t imagine why Nicholas’ mommy would hit him._

***

_“Can I stay here?” Nicholas asked, hopefully._

_“Where,” asked Ethan, his eyes widening, “in the_ barn _?”_

_“Yeah…”_

_“What? Forever?”_

_Nicholas nodded._

_Ethan looked about. “Well… I guess…” then his face glowed with excitement. “We can pretend this is Neverland! And we’re the lost boys!”_

_“Whose those?”_

_“I’ll bring the book, ‘kay? And you need some stuff! Wait here! I’ll bring it!” He shifted out of the cupboard. "This will be a fun game!"_

_“Please don’t tell!” Nicholas begged._

_Ethan put his cast arm over his heart, held up two fingers with the other hand and vowed, “Scouts honor!”_

_Nicholas didn’t know what that meant either, but it sounded official, so he took it as a promise._ _“Can you bring my colors?” he asked, shyly. He needed them. They would help keep his mind off things._

_“Sure!”_

_“Can I draw on your arm?”_

_“Yeah! Cool! I’ll be back soon! And I’ll bring food, ‘kay?”_

_“’kay.” Nicholas brightened at the mention of food; was suddenly feeling much better._

_Luke and Noah loved Ethan more than they loved him, but now he loved Ethan too._

***

Why couldn’t it be him? Just once! Why couldn’t he be the one? Why was he always watching from the outside as other people obtained happiness?

And no doubt they _were_ happy. Even with their devastation over the missing boy, Troy could see their connection. It was full and true and solid, and it was unbreakable. It had rendered him immobile in its simplicity and beauty. All he could do was sit there staring… spellbound.

He should have been out helping with the search. Maybe it was a chance to play the hero. If he found the boy wouldn’t _he_ be grateful? But then what was the point? He could never replace this Noah in _his_ life. He saw that and he accepted it.

So as usual, the world went on around him while he stood still, immobile, changeless and loveless.

The evening had not gone as planned. He wanted longer with _him_ … Troy wanted to say more. But now he found himself entering the house... sleepwalking really. He started when he remembered; ran panicked into the parlor. He sighed heavily with relief to find his preparations as he’d left them.. undisturbed. He remembered then about telling the staff not to come in.

That was a good afterthought.

***

Of course they should have known. They should have known he was smart enough to follow their trail back to the farmhouse. He was observant. They had just been saying that, that very same day. But he was obviously more aware than either of them ever given him credit for. Four years of age and he made his own way back! That entire distance! It was amazing!

Faster than the speed of lightening, both men were on their feet, sending kitchen chairs flying; running for the barn. They flung the door open and there, feeding an apple to Nash, stood the child they’d taken for dead.

“Nicky!” Noah exclaimed in a mixture of pure relief and frazzled nerves, while Luke leaned against the barn door in reprieve.

Nicholas jumped, paused frozen on the spot staring at them; darted quickly for the closet... closing the door behind him in his regulatory fashion.

They approached slowly. Noah let out a long breath. He willed himself not to fling the closet doors open, grab the child and hold him close for all eternity. He held back, lowering himself to the floor. “I’m sorry I yelled baby, okay? Nobody’s angry at you. We were just so scared last night when you went missing… Will you come out?”

Noah stared up at Luke when there was no response from inside.

“We would never send you back, baby,” Luke tried. “We love you! We told you before that you will stay with us forever.”

“Yeah,” agreed Noah. “I pinkie swore, remember? And you can’t break a pinkie promise!”

The door that Noah wasn’t leaning against squeaked slowly open. A small, uncertain, tear-stained face came into view. His little chest hopped up and down with each gentle sniff of grief.

Holding back his own tears, Noah smiled sympathetically at him. “Baby, you _were_ very naughty to push Ethan and hurt his arm like that, and I _was_ angry with you, okay?” Nicholas looked down at his hands; bit his lower lip. “But just because I’m angry at you, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you, baby. It doesn’t mean I’d ever hurt you or want you gone. You understand?”

“But you love Ethan…” he whispered almost beyond hearing.

“Yes we do love Ethan, baby." Luke said. "But we don't love Ethan anymore or any less than we love you. You are both special to us, okay? People can love more than one person. I love Noah, right? And I love you. So it’s okay if we also love Ethan, isn’t it? We can love you both!”

Nicholas almost nodded.

“Baby, if you do something wrong I’m going to tell you." Noah continued. "So that next time you know not to do it again. But Nicky… look at me…” Nicholas didn’t budge. “Look at me, Nicky...” He lifted his guilt-ridden eyes to Noah. “I want you to pinkie swear that you will never, _never_ , run away from us again, okay?” Noah held up his crooked little finger, waiting. There was no hesitation, Nicholas stepped out the closet; gripped his finger around Noah’s. Noah opened his arms out to him. “Can I have a hug?” Nicholas wrapped his arms around Noah’s neck; allowed Noah to pull him in. “Ah, kid!” Noah sobbed as the tears fell.

Luke squatted down to take them both into his arms. There were not words for the relief they felt for this precious discovery... back with them safe and sound... where he belonged.

***

Noah took Nicholas straight upstairs to bath and bed. The child was shell-shocked; especially overwhelmed by all the cheering and relief they’d received as Noah carried the tiny guy... clinging to him for all he was worth... from the barn to the house. Luke stayed downstairs to call off the search, contacting his father first with the good news.

“Oh, that’s fantastic, son!” Luke could actually hear the tension leave his father’s exhausted voice.

Just before he hung up Luke said, “Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“I love you...”

Eventually all the volunteers were thanked and sent on their way; Margo’s police report completed and signed off. The Snyder family couldn’t remember the last time they had all been so drained. They spent a few minutes together... just gathering themselves... before Jack rose; prompting the departure of Dusty and Parker also.

“Thanks so much, Uncle Jack!" Luke exclaimed. "Dusty! Parker! You guys are always there when I need you! Really, you’re amazing!”

“Don’t mention it!” smiled his gentle cousin Parker, and they shared a quick and friendly hug.

“Well thank the Lord that’s all over with!” declared Emma. “I was sure I would die of fright!”

“Me too!” agreed Luke. “Thanks everyone… Um… do you mind if I…” and he pointed up the stairs.

“Of course not, Luke,” His mother assured him. “It’s understandable. Get yourself to bed!”

Holden nodded; smiled at his son.

So Luke found Noah sitting on the edge of Nicholas’s bed, staring down at the boy's sleeping face for all the world like he would never leave. He turned his head as Luke entered; sighed sweetly at him. “I’m not sure I can leave this room tonight.” As he said it, he placed his hand on Nicholas’s chest, as though monitoring his breathing.

“Well,” said Luke, “Grandmother did try to warn me how hard parenting can be! Boy, was she right! God, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared!”

“Me neither.” Noah swayed slightly.

Luke crossed the room to draw Noah’s head against his stomach. Noah encased his arms around Luke’s waist. Luke kissed the crown of his head, and Noah looked up at him; chin resting just above Luke’s navel. “Luke?” 

“Yeah?”

“What was Troy doing here?”

“I have no idea!” Luke said truthfully. “Does it matter?”

“No,” Noah replied simply, “it doesn’t matter at all! All that matters is this…”

Their eyes searched each other, reading thoughts only they could hear. Luke bent over to kiss Noah meaningfully. “Come to bed. Everything will be better in the morning.”

Noah hesitated, turning to look back on the sleeping child. Luke turned too, moving from Noah’s embrace to kiss Nicholas on the cheek; pat the comforter warmly around him. Then he moved toward the door, stopping to reach his hand out to Noah.

“Come,” he repeated. “He’s safe. Let him sleep.”

Noah smiled softly; took Luke’s offered hand. He allowed Luke to lead him to their room next door. They dressed quietly for bed; snuggled down tightly blanketed together... nose-to-nose, eye-to-eye. Luke watched as Noah’s blinks became longer. Noah leaned over to steal one final soft kiss from Luke, before drifting off into a well-earned sleep.

***

Troy drank down the entire bottle in one smooth gulp. It would help he thought. It would help when the time came.

He sat back one the couch and he waited.

He waited for them to take effect.

***

It was three AM and Luke found himself in the kitchen heating up milk. He felt a little stupid. He'd always needed warm milk and cookies when he couldn't sleep, ever since he was a small child. It was one of those things he never outgrew. But he'd felt childlike the whole time Nicholas was missing, leaning on his parents like he did growing up... just utterly helpless…

Of course, however much he needed it, he was completely unable to sleep. He removed the pot; carefully poured the frothy liquid into a mug, sticking one choc-chip cookie in his mouth and grabbing another with his free hand. He wandered into the parlor, thinking watching a little television might help him nod off. He placed his treat on the coffee table; paused as he heard his cell phone buzz. He forgot he left it on the sideboard during the excitement of Nicholas’ discovery.

He frowned when he looked at the ‘withheld’ number on the display. Who would call at such an hour? He answered with trepidation, expecting the worse. Any call this early in the morning had to be bad news. “Hello?”

“I made a mistake…” a quiet voice said.

“What?”

“I’m so scared right now… so tired.”

“Troy, is that you?” The blood started to drain from Luke’s face at the strange tone in Troy's voice. “Are you okay?”

Suddenly the voice brightened up, swapping from depressive to calm in less than a second. “Yeah! Yes, fine.” Then back to that odd quality that worried Luke. “I just wanted to say... I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“I messed up…”

“Troy, are you drunk?” Luke was suddenly angry. “Why are you calling me? Do you have any idea what the time is?”

“I don’t usually do this, you know?”

“Do what? You’re not making any sense!”

“I don’t usually fall for them like this!” Luke realized that Troy wasn’t really listening to him at all. “I’m sorry I pushed you into it… when you didn’t want it! I’m sorry I fell…”

The line went dead.

“Troy?”

He stared down at the phone. His heart started to hammer. Something wasn’t right. Luke left the parlor; headed for the kitchen. He quickly snatched the car keys from a bowl on the table; paused for some time by the back stairs, staring with consideration up to where Noah and Nicholas lay sleeping.

Then he left out the back door, before he changed his mind.


	11. Chapter 11

Troy had changed.

The man Lucinda originally introduced Luke to was confident, self-assured… even somewhat arrogant. Not this timid, quiet, introvert of a person he had become. He had changed... and not for the better... and Luke couldn’t help but feel as though he were somehow responsible for it.

Luke was imprisoned within an emotional whirlwind during those days. It was Troy’s game. He would push and push until even a man like Luke... a man who treasured the act between two people... could no longer hold back. Every man and every woman had natural carnal needs. Eventually anybody would give in; you just needed to work out which buttons to push. And Troy... attractive, fun-loving with seemingly little expectations... was an expert at that! 

Yet at some point over their last few meetings together, the tables had turned. Troy became more nervous... unsure... withdrawn. He would wait for Luke... obedient almost... waiting for Luke’s instruction on what to do next. At that time, Luke was falling apart... almost always drunk... and definitely incapable of recognizing that Troy had fallen for him. That very slowly... in the process of destroying himself... he was destroying Troy as well.

And worse than that, after rehab and therapy... although his heart still ached for Noah... Luke almost felt like himself again but left Troy in the dark. He walked away without so much as a single glance in the rear-view mirror. He hadn’t wanted to look back. That part of his life was over. It was time to settle things with the man he loved. The past didn’t matter.

So now if Troy was having difficulties... as Luke suspected he was... then Luke felt he owed it to Troy to help. He wasn’t sure what he could do, but he would try none the less.

***

Luke walked nonchalantly away from Noah, hands in his pockets, engulfed by a green C.G.I. background.

“Luke?” Noah called, but there was no response. Luke continued to walk away. Noah followed but he never seemed to be able to catch up. “Luke?” he yelled again. “Now isn’t the time to go missing on me!”

At this, Luke turned around. The look on his face caused Noah to start awake and sit up in the bed.

_A dream!_

He sighed when he saw the familiar walls of the farm, but hitched a breath to find the space next to him empty.

No need to worry, Luke was most likely downstairs searching for a drink. Noah rolled out of bed yawning; scratched his stomach through his shirt. He walked barefoot down the hall, trying to remember where all the squeaky floorboards were so as not to wake Emma or Holden.

He checked in on Nicholas, still fast asleep in the bed. He couldn’t resist running a hand along his rosy cheek; kissing him once more... just to make sure he was really back. Then he made for the kitchen.

He was almost at the bottom of the staircase, when he called softly, “Luke?”

The kitchen light was on, but Luke wasn’t there. Noah noticed a familiar smell in the air; checked the hob. Sure enough he found the tell-tale signs of warm milk and cookies.

“Insomnia…” Noah whispered to himself, knowingly. “Only one place he’ll be then…”

He grabbed a quick glass of water before strolling into the parlor, where he knew he’d find Luke watching television. But he almost dropped the water when all he was confronted with was an empty room; the untouched milk and half eaten cookies abandoned on the coffee table.

“Luke?” he called, but he knew Luke wasn’t there.

_What the hell?_

Starting to worry, he headed out the back door; right away noticed the empty space where the hire car had been.

“Dammit, Luke,” he complained, heading back upstairs to find his cell phone, “now’s not the time to go missing on me!”

He paused as the de je vu hit him!

His concern was quickly changing into something else.

***

Luke stood at a front door he’d never expected to enter again. So many unwanted memories were associated with this house... that feeling of sickness that plagued him during those days. That feeling that wouldn’t go away not matter what he did. It sat in the pit of his stomach, constantly gnawing on him... torturous... an invariable feeling of anxiousness.

That everything was wrong.

That something was missing.

And admitting to himself what that something was... admitting that the feeling was not in any way related to Reid’s death... was not an option! So he drank and he masked his sorrow by letting Troy fuck him... tried to wipe out those thoughts.

The thing was, the more he drank and the more sex he had with Troy, the worse he felt... the more he hated himself... the more he remembered the wonderful times he’d had before… with Noah. It was a vicious, never-ending cycle.

He shook his head of those memories... breathed deeply and rang the bell. He waited for a minute, but nobody came, so he rang again. He was just about to walk around the side of the house when the door opened. His mouth gaped at the sight of Troy. The man stood there in nothing but a pair of briefs. His eyes were misty and glazed over. He looked terrible.

“It’s you!” Troy said in amazement.

Luke swallowed. “Troy, are you okay?”

“Come in!” Troy said, completely ignoring Luke’s question.

Luke hesitated for a second, but entered past Troy and into the entrance hall of the massive house. “Are you alone?” 

Before Luke had even turned Troy was on him; pushed him back against the front door... forcing yet another unwanted kiss.

“Get… off!” Luke yelled angrily. He pushed hard, but Troy was gripping his upper arms this time and he barely budged. Luke glared razors into Troy's green eyes. “I mean it, Troy! I mean what I say! You know that! _Get Off_!”

Troy’s fixed eyes wavered suddenly at the tone of Luke’s voice. As if he realized what he was doing, he backed off. Luke stepped quickly away from him, leaving at least four yards of space between them.

Troy looked worried, afraid even. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Will you stay? I didn’t mean it!”

Luke was about to answer when his eyes happened to sweep over the dining table in the adjacent room. On the surface was an open pill bottle, the lid laying right next to it. He stared in terror back at Troy.

“You okay?” asked Troy, noticing the change in Luke’s demeanor.

Luke stammered, unsure of how to handle the situation. “Yeah, I’m fine… It’s just…” He cocked his head at the other man; opted for the direct approach. After all, if what he was thinking was true, then time was of the essence. “Okay... um… Troy, did you swallow any pills?”

Troy looked back through the open door of the dining room; realized what Luke had seen. He grew even more edgy. “Okay… I know what you’re thinking…”

“Troy?”

“I’m sorry!” his voice started to shudder. “I always mess up, don’t I?” Then out of the blue he screamed, “Why do I always mess it up?” To Luke’s horror he turned and slammed his head hard into the wall... once... twice… until Luke pulled him back.

“Troy, stop! Stop this!”

Blood running down his face from the gash in his forehead, Troy leaned on Luke; clung to him. He cried, heaving in sobs. “Don’t go! Please, don’t go! Please, don’t leave me!”

“Okay...” Luke felt way out of his realm of emotional experience. He had no idea how to help Troy. “Just calm down, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m sorry…” Troy said again, still holding onto Luke’s arms by his elbows, but his voice seemed calmer.

“Troy?” Luke knew he had to buy some time. He quickly assessed Troy’s condition. He was obviously drugged, but he didn’t seem to be in any immediate danger from it. Luke spoke in the softest voice he could... in a tone he would often use with Nicholas, “Why don’t you take a shower? Put some clothes on and I’ll drive you to the hospital, okay?”

But Troy shook his head. “It’s alright. I threw up anyway.”

“Still... You took a whole bottle, Troy. Please…” Luke begged.

Lucky for Luke, Troy still seemed to be in the habit of listening to him. The man nodded... all confused and lost. He didn’t seem at all present, but rather trapped in some sequence taking place in his mind. Troy allowed himself to be steered up the staircase and into his en suite bathroom.

“Now I want you to get ready for me, okay?” Luke asked hopefully. “If I wait downstairs, will you manage it?”

Troy nodded. “You’ll wait?”

“I promise.”

“Okay then.” Troy started to remove his briefs, prompting Luke to make a quick exit downstairs.

Having bought himself some time, Luke quickly dialed Noah’s number. It seemed to ring for ages. “Come on… Come on… pick up! Wake up, Noah!”

Then finally a frantic voice answered. “Hello, Luke?”

“Yes, it’s me!”

“Luke what the hell's going on? Where are you?”

“I’m at Troy’s house on Lemmington Way, number seven! I can’t really talk right now but he’s… he’s going crazy and now I can’t leave! He’s completely weird!”

“Weird, how?” Noah asked.

“I mean like _Brian Wheatley_ weird!” Luke told him, referencing an incident from their past involving the head of Luke's foundation.

“You mean Brian trying to kill himself, weird?”

“Yes! I think he’s already swallowed a whole load of pills!”

“Jesus!”

“He says he threw them up, but I just don’t know… “

“Hand up!” Troy appeared suddenly from nowhere, wearing nothing but a pair of grey tracksuit bottoms. He came storming into the entry hall with purpose, brandishing a handgun by his side. Luke froze. “Please hang up the phone! I can’t let you stop me!” he cried sorrowfully.

“Troy, what are you doing?” Luke asked cautiously.

“Luke, what’s going on?” He heard Noah say in his ear.

“Please!” Troy said anguished. “Please, hang up!”

***

Noah was a little out of breath from running up the stairs to find his phone, but Luke was already ringing him. Now Noah staggered as the phone cut dead. He tried to call back but there was no answer. Quickly he pulled on his jeans; stormed into Holden’s room... switching on the light so that Holden squinted up at him. He never thought he'd be happy that Lily and Holden hadn't quite moved their relationship forward. At that moment he was more than grateful to have Holden sleeping at the farm.

“Noah,” the older man asked worriedly, “what is it? Is it Nicky?”

“No,” Noah could hardly speak through his sudden fear, “it’s Luke! Something’s wrong! Something’s very wrong!”

“Where is he?”

“Can you get dressed and come with? He might need backup. I’ll explain in car, okay?”

Holden didn’t hesitate, he shot out of bed to change as quickly as he could. The two of them sped off from the farm in the direction of Lemmington Way.

***

“I’m sorry,” said Troy, really meaning it. “I heard you call him and I didn’t know what else to do!”

“It’s okay, Troy,” Luke tried to sound as relaxed as possible, but it was difficult. “It’s fine. I’m fine and you’re fine… So why don’t you just put that down and we can talk. Would you like that? We can just talk.”

Troy looked down at the gun in his hand as though he didn’t know how it got there. “This was in the parlor…” he said softly to himself, drifting briefly off somewhere... then he remembered Luke’s words. “We can talk?”

“Yeah,” Luke insisted.

“Like we used to?”

Luke couldn’t remember much about the few conversations they had, but he wasn't about to admit that now... instead he nodded.

“I can’t put it down…” Troy said with a mixture of regret and frustration.

“Why not?” asked Luke.

“Because then you’ll leave! You always leave! And I know… I know this time you won’t come back!”

“Troy, I can’t be what you want me to be. I can only be your friend.”

“Friend? I can’t be your friend! I fucking _love_ you!” He sobbed violently a few times, drawing in a strong breath; lifted his gun totting hand to rest against his head.

Luke cried tears for him. What had done to this man? “I’m so sorry! Please believe me! I’m so sorry, Troy.”

“You’re the only person that matters to me.”

“Then why would you put me in danger?”

Troy looked shocked by that; stared again at the gun in his hand. “ _This_?” he asked, as though Luke would have meant something else. “No… No… I don’t… I bought this yesterday… I’d never hurt you! This is for me! Because it will never be me! It will never be me so what’s the point? Why should I hang around just so that people can leave me?”

Luke’s felt sick for this devastated man.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Troy said sternly. “I don’t want your sympathy or your pity! Oh poor lost, pathetic, Troy, right?”

“That’s not what I’m-”

“Shut up! Don’t even bother! You’d be lying!”

Luke kept quiet, thinking that maybe in this situation it would be best. In the back of his mind he wished to God he hadn’t called Noah. The last thing he needed was Troy turning his anger and frustration about life onto him.

At least not while he held a gun in his hand…

***

Noah didn’t even bother with the bell. He immediately tried the front door, but it was locked. “Luke?” he yelled; banged on the door... pressing the buzzer a few times. He locked worried eyes with Holden, who left to try and find another way in. “Luke!”

He recognized Luke’s voice yelling back, “Don’t come in! He has a gun!”

“Why would you _tell_ them that?” he heard Troy moan, like a small child. “ _Why_?”

“I’m sorry, Troy,” Luke’s trembling voice answered. “Please, stop this! Please!”

Noah had called Margo on the way over. She appeared suddenly by his side. "Stand back, Noah!" she said, as two of her officers used a battering ram to break down the door. Noah was first to burst through it, before Margo could stop him.

“Put the gun done!” Margo ordered, following Noah inside; pointing her own weapon at Troy. The two officers stood just behind her; guns drawn.

“Or you’ll shoot me?” ask Troy, lifting his gun to his head. “Do it! It’ll save me the trouble of doing it myself!”

“Come on, kid,” Margo pleaded softly. “You don’t want to do this!”

“Yes I do!” he insisted. “I had it all planned out, but you’ve all messed it up! It’s all messed now!” Tears streamed down his face.

Holden arrived from the back of the house; startled Troy so that he lifted the gun closer to his head.

Noah held out his hand, indicating to Holden to stand clear. “Troy,” he said softly, his kind eyes fixed on him, “put the gun down.”

“ _Why_? I would think _you’d_ want me dead! I'd think you'd hate me. I mean I _had him_ , you know?” Holden started, looking over at Luke in surprise. Noah couldn’t help but grimace at the words. It stabbed deep... there was no denying it... but he knew the desperate man was just lashing out. “I even had him right here in the hall! I fucked him _real_ good!”

“Troy,” Luke yelled angrily, “that’s enough!”

Troy looked like a child scolded; immediately slunk back from his verbal attack. “I didn’t mean it!” he said to Luke, his eyes pleading for forgiveness.

“I know,” Luke placated. “I know you didn’t.”

“It’s just he doesn’t know… He doesn’t know what it feels like! He doesn’t understand!”

“Yes, I do,” Noah replied.

Troy whipped back to Noah. “In this world there is only one person you’re supposed to be with! _He_ understands me! _He_ get’s me! _He's_ who I’m supposed to be with! You get that?” Noah didn’t reply. He was still recovering from the sting of the unpleasant detail Troy had just revealed to him. “But you see…” Troy continued, “the thing is… _he's_ not supposed to be with me! _He's_ supposed to be with you! I see that! I know! It’s obvious! Its fate! And you can’t fight fate! So where does that leave me, hey? Where?”

Noah looked down, then back up at Troy. Leaning over he pushed down on Margo’s extended arms, asking with his eyes that she lower her weapon. She hesitated, but then relented, maybe thinking Noah could help. “Troy," Noah said slowly, "I know you think I can’t understand...”

“You can’t!” he insisted.

“Yes, I can... I know what it’s like, okay? I know what it's like to feel alone and deserted. I felt that my entire life... I didn’t have a mother, and my father was never around. We moved so much, I never had any friends for long.”

Troy seemed to respond to something in Noah’s words. Some kind of pain or emotion passed over his face... both Luke and Noah saw it.

“And,” Noah continued, gulping briefly, “I know what it’s like to love Luke and not have him. I lost him once. So…” he closed his eyes, remembering old feelings, "I get it. I know you love him. I can see that. But if you love him, then I know you don’t want to hurt him.”

“I’d never hurt him!” Troy insisted absolutely, the gun slowly beginning to lower.

“You’re hurting him now, Troy.”

Troy frowned. “What?”

“Look at him… Troy, look at Luke.”

Troy looked across to where Luke stood. Tears streaked Luke's cheeks; his eyes bearing an almost fathomless sadness.

“You’re hurting him now, Troy! And if you kill yourself, he’ll never be able to live with that! So you _will_ hurt him. You will hurt him badly, Troy.”

Troy’s welled up eyes stared deeply into Luke’s; he started to shake his head from side-to-side. “I don’t want to _hurt_ you.”

“Then put down the gun,” Luke whispered. “Please put down the gun.”

Troy was at war with himself. It was clear he was making his choice... one way or the other. He stared intently at Luke and said clearly, “I love you.”

Luke nodded and smiled softly.

Troy looked back at Noah. “He always loved you, you know? I knew it. It was always there.”

“I know,” Noah replied to Troy, but he looked right at Luke as he said it. Then he returned his attention back to Troy, who bent over and placed the gun on the tiled floor.

Everyone in the room let out a collective breath.

Luke walked forward to take Troy into a comforting hug.

The police officer's quickly moved forward to secure Troy's weapon.

Luke locked eyes with Noah over the other man’s shoulder; a deep level of understanding passing between them.

“Thank you,” Luke mouthed and Noah nodded, smiling a little.


	12. Chapter 12

The morning following the discovery of Nicholas in the barn, Lily dropped Ethan off at the farm before heading to work, and Nicholas stuck to him like glue. He was fascinated by the slightly older child, responding to Ethan’s natural ebullience; eagerly playing out the roles Ethan set for him.

For his part, Ethan found Nicholas’ presence fabulous! Especially when he discovered that not only was Nicholas a quick learner, he also had a propensity to do exactly as Ethan instructed... thus appealing to his constant desire to be leader where playing games was concerned.

“Okay now you be Hook!” Ethan would say, thrusting the wooden sword into Nicholas’ hand; stretching the eye patch over his head. At first Nicholas just followed suit, having no idea what it all meant, but later that morning Ethan pressured his grandma into reading them the entire story of ‘Peter Pan’; much to Nicholas’s sheer delight! By the end of the story, gentle Emma had broken through the child's armor, and he was chatting away to her merrily... competing with Ethan for her attentions.

By the afternoon the children were replaying entire scenes out of the story.

“Look-it Noah! Look-it!” Nicholas kept yelling excitedly, totally blown away by this new experience Ethan offered him.

Noah would smile; wave at him. He stood on the grass watching them play, joyful at the sight of Nicholas finally behaving as a young boy should. It was a good sign he would manage to cope at school, now that he realized how much fun other kids could be. And with Nicholas at school, Noah could finally turn his attention back to his thoroughly neglected movie. He was amazed at how patient his backers were being with him. They assured him that everything would be fine. They weren’t surprised he was burnt out after a full year of working almost twenty-four seven. He had a brilliant crew of people behind him that would keep the ship afloat until their captain was ready to return.

He must have been day dreaming about this for some time, when he felt a hand pat his shoulder; turned to find Holden standing beside him sipping from a mug of coffee. He had that distinct farm smell that testified to how hard he’d already been working around the property that morning.

“Looks like he’s doing much better!” Holden said, smiling as he watched Ethan balancing along the garden wall; a smaller Nicholas trailing not far behind in imitation of him.

“Yes he is. In large part thanks to Ethan!” agreed Noah. “I’m sorry, by the way... Ethan’s arm…”

“Hey,” insisted Holden, raising his free hand in placation. “No need! As far as Nicky’s concerned, you and Luke are all he has in this world. It stands to reason he’d feel the need to protect that... especially after the life he’s had.”

Noah nodded.

“He still has to realize he’s got a whole family waiting to love him, when he’s ready to accept that love. Kind of reminds me of another kid I once knew…”

Noah smiled, slightly embarrassed.

“And by the looks of things,” Holden nodded toward Ethan and Nicholas; both bending over to examine something with a stick, “he’s well on his way to doing that...”

Noah could already feel the warm tears pooling at the back of his eyes. Holden’s quiet and firm nature always seemed to have that effect on him. “Um, Holden?” Noah began, always nervous when speaking to Holden... always desperate to leave him with a good impression.

“Yes, Noah?”

“Yesterday… what you said… about the yelling? I know you’re right. I know everything you said is true, but with Nicky it’s just… It’s hard, you know? It’s hard when he’s so-”

“Cute?” Holden asked with a crooked all-knowing smile that Noah couldn't help but laugh at. “It is hard, Noah. It’s hard for every father, because you only ever want to see a smile on their little faces. But it’s part and parcel of the job, I’m afraid! And in the end, it’s the right thing to do.” Noah nodded again, but before he could say anything Holden asked, “Luke still at the hospital with Troy?”

“Yeah. He must be totally wiped. He was there all night too. ”

“You okay with that?”

Noah looked sideways at him thoughtfully... smiled. “Yes. Yes I am.”

“I’m proud of you, son.”

The statement was so unexpected it almost blew Noah over. He felt something move deep within; had to swallow so as not to allow those already forming pools to overflow. “P-Proud?”

“The way you were with Troy last night…” Again Holden patted him on the back. “Not every man could do something like that, you know? You handled yourself like a real gentleman. It was an honor to watch you, and I just wanted to say how proud I am of you.”

His own father never used that word without some ulterior motive; at least the colonel had never used it and truly meant it. So really, as far as Noah was concerned, no parental figure in his life had ever said anything like that to him before. “Thank you,” he replied, almost in a whisper... suddenly finding it difficult to speak.

They stood in silence for a while longer, just watching the boys tackle their next challenge together, then Holden said, “Well best I get back to the grindstone! I just came in for a quick cup of Joe! It’s real chilly out there today!”

Once Holden was out of earshot Noah let out a shuddered breath, his heart glowing from the effect of Holden’s fatherly touch.

***

Lucinda arrived at the farm just after lunch. John had whisked her off on a romantic getaway, but she returned as quickly as possible when she heard the news that Nicholas was missing. Of course the crisis was over by the time she walked through the front door of the farm and into the dining room.

Sprawled across the entire length of Emma’s dining table, was a large white sheet of paper covered in tiny colored hand prints. Noah, Ethan and Nicholas were all gathered around busily finger painting this incredibly messing piece of art.

Noah smiled as she entered. “Lucinda! I’d hug you hello but…” he held up two blue hands to make his point.

Lucinda laughed. “Well, doesn’t this appear entertaining?”

Nicholas, who had previously been avidly at work on his corner of the paper, slunk back shyly... watched her suspiciously.

Ethan on the other hand hopped off his stool; went running for her. “Grandmother!” he yelled.

She backed quickly away, and Noah blocked his path just in time, laughing. “Ethan! Not with those mucky fingers, buddy!”

“Thank you, Noah. That was extremely gallant of you.” Lucinda nodded with her head.

"I broke-ed my arm, see?" exclaimed Ethan, as though breaking a limb was the most exciting thing to happen to a person.

"Well, I see that young man!"

"Want to write on it?"

"Later, my darling."

“Ethan,” Noah interrupted, “you sit here and paint with Nicky, okay? And no paint on the furniture you hear? Just the paper!”

“Okay!” Ethan agreed; climbed back up on the stool next to Nicholas. “Come on, Nicky... draw!”

Noah smiled; followed behind Lucinda as she entered the kitchen. He headed straight for the tap to wash the paint off his hands.

“I see that things have returned pretty much to normal. I was extremely relieved to hear you found him! Neither of them look any worse for the wear.” Lucinda stated.

“Yes, they're fine. Great actually! Seems Nicky's found a friend in Ethan.”

“Well that _is_ good news!” She proceeded to remove her coat. Placed it and her bag on a nearby hook. “So, he never talks then?” she asked conversationally.

“Oh he talks,” laughed Noah, as he dried his hands on a kitchen towel. “Trust me! He definitely talks! Enjoy the silence while you still have it!”

Lucinda smiled, her eyes crinkling in amusement as she realized Noah was joking. “And where is my other lovely grandson?”

Noah faltered just long enough for her to notice.

“Why do I get the feeling something’s up?” she raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

He was saved from having to answer when Luke came through the back door looking like death warmed over. He didn’t even notice Lucinda; he headed immediately into Noah's open arms for a warm hug.

“Hi, baby,” Noah whispered into his tousled hair. “You look terrible!”

“Thanks!” Luke mumbled into Noah’s shirt, as Noah stroked his head.

“How’s Troy?”

“Troy?” Lucinda asked. “What’s happened?”

Luke pulled out of Noah’s embrace. “Oh sorry, Grandmother! I didn’t realize you were here.”

“Never mind that,” she exclaimed. “What’s happened to the Jenson boy?”

Luke proceeded to lay out the events of the night before.

“Well that's just dreadful! But I can’t say I’m surprised!”

“Sorry?” Luke and Noah said together.

“Well, darling! The whole reason I even introduced you to Troy was because I found that poor depressed kid cooped up in that mansion all alone... with not a friend in the world! I thought the two of you would hit it off…”

Noah couldn’t help clearing his throat uncomfortably.

“Oh, well, yes! Of course I didn’t foresee anything like _this_ happening!”

“Anyway,” Noah repeated his question to Luke, “how is he?”

“I hope he'll be fine. They’re going to keep him in for a few days... watch him and try to help him out of the funk he’s in. It’s just… I feel totally shit about it all!” He remembered Lucinda’s presence and quickly said, “Sorry, Grandmother.”

“Luke,” said Noah, spinning him round and cupping his face, “it’s not your fault! He made some bad choices too, you know?”

Luke nodded. “Anyway… I need a shower and a bed like yesterday!”

Noah smiled at him. “Want me to come?”

Luke squinted his eyes with consideration; whispered into Noah’s ear so that his grandmother couldn’t hear, “If you come, how will I sleep?”

Noah laughed deeply in response... Luke kissed him gently before saying goodbye to Lucinda; making his tired journey up the stairs.

***

Noah crawled into bed with a sleeping Luke at around 9:30, after a sudden attack of exhaustion. He was woken at just after 13:00 by a strange clicking sound.

He'd barely processed the information that Luke was missing from the bed, when he heard another click; realized it was the sound of a stone hitting glass. Frowning in confusion, he stepped out of bed... pulled back the floral curtain to investigate.

His thoughts were immediately interrupted as he glanced downward... gasped... his mind emptying at the sight of Luke riding bareback on a black stallion Noah knew was called Tanner. If it had been the 1800’s, he would have described Luke as resplendent! He looked incredible in jeans and coat astride the animal... confident and in his element. Luke smiled radiantly up at him as the horse shifted eagerly under him.

“What the...” Noah mouthed through the glass pane.

Luke beckoned with his hand.

“Down?” Noah mouthed again, pointing downward with both his index fingers. “You want me to come down, now?”

Luke nodded still smiling.

Noah shook his head in wonderment at Luke’s sudden insanity, but he played along none the less. Smiling he quickly pulled on a pair of jeans, a shirt, and made his way downstairs... stopping just once to check on a slumbering Nicholas.

He met Luke under the window, pulling his coat on as he walked. “What on earth are you doing?” Noah asked with playful admonishment, reaching up to stroke the horse's head. “It’s the middle of the night!”

Luke shushed him; whispered, “Get up here!” He motioned his head... patted the horse behind him.

“On the horse?”

Luke nodded with a “well duh” expression, and Noah couldn’t help but grin at him. “Okay…” he sang, “but I have to warn you... I can’t promise I’ll behave.”

“I’m kinda counting on that!” Luke replied cheekily.

Noah climbed up the nearby wooden fence; hopped on the horse behind Luke. He grasped the other man around his waist for stability... and other things...

“Tsk-tsk,” Luke clicked to the horse, turning him and heading in the direction of the forest.

“And just where exactly are you taking me?” Noah couldn’t help but ask.

“Do you trust me?” was his answer. Noah grinned, and Luke looked back just in time to catch it. “I’m going to take that goofy expression as a yes, Mr. Mayer.”

“Yes,” Noah finally answered, closing his eyes... pressing a cheek into Luke’s warm back.


	13. Chapter 13

Noah’s breath blew hot on the skin of Luke’s neck. His hands lay flat against Luke’s belly... radiating warmth... making all the muscles in Luke's torso quiver at the touch. To Luke, his smell was pungently narcotic... a drug to every sense of him.

The soft thud of the horse’s hooves became almost hypnotic. Luke could feel Noah snoozing against his back. The path had long since led them into the woods, where the cluster of tall oaks stood proudly to attention, like rows of disciplined soldiers greeting the return of their sergeant. Here and there spots of moon and starlight broke through the canopy above, creating dreamlike pools of haze underfoot... lighting their way like natural torches. Periodically an icy wind would whip through the trees with a flutter and scraping of leaves and branches, forcing both men to draw up their shoulders; huddle closer for warmth.

The only other sound... besides those of the forest and the clip clop of hooves... was the occasional satisfied snort of the horse.

As they ventured deeper into the forest Noah lifted his head, becoming aware of the sparks of shimmering light emerging between breaks in the trunks up ahead. Luke smiled; continued to lead the horse in that direction. The light became brighter, until eventually they broke through the underbrush and into a small clearing, where a tiny log cabin sat against the backdrop of trees.

Luke had been there ahead of time. He’d filled a number of brown paper bags with soil, firmly plugging the center of each one with long white candles; created his own makeshift lanterns. They were mesmerizing in the simplicity of their design... formed a path to the door of the cabin.

“Wow Luke, this is…”

“Shh...” Luke turned on the horse to place a few fingers to Noah’s mouth, “no talking…” He drew his hands slowly... softly.... along Noah’s lips, watching captivated. Noah seemed to be falling deeply into Luke’s eyes... dark in the light of night... when Luke suddenly hopped off the horse, pulling the animal forward; tying the reigns to a nearby tree. “Good boy!” he placated, slipping a carrot from his pocket; handing it to Tanner as Noah slid down. A rough and large army style blanket laid waiting under a tree. Luke used it to cover the back and rump of the horse.

Noah turned to Luke, who smiled at him; took his hand... drew him up the candlelit path to the door of the cabin. Noah paused before entering, lifting Luke’s chin; kissing him quick and deep... leaving Luke dizzy. He felt drunk, as though he’d just finished off an entire bottle of spirits by himself. When Noah drew back, Luke opened the door; pulled him inside.

The interior of the cabin was small with just a bed and fireplace. Luke had earlier made the bed up with fresh linen; decorated a few surfaces with more of the homemade lanterns.

“What is this place?” Noah asked in amazement as they both removed their coats.

“Dad built it when he was sixteen.” Luke stretched out his hand to take Noah’s coat; draped it with his own over the only chair in the room. “It was his escape from the family, you know? The way teenagers sometimes want their own space.”

As Luke hugged him, Noah whispered, “It’s perfect...”

***

_Snyder Farm was awesome! There were no words to describe the openness... the homeliness of the place. It made Noah feel like he belonged there, even though he'd never set foot on the property before._

_He felt like he was dosed up on some euphoric drug, or was dreaming. He put it down to the heat of the night; the cooling swim in the crystal clear water of the pond._

_And then there was Luke._

_He knew Luke had feelings for him... he should probably have given the guy space... but he found it impossible to stay away. He wanted to be Luke’s friend. Luke was just so easy. Suddenly and unexpectedly, given this opportunity to spend time alone with Luke, he was surprised at how much it felt like they had known each other since birth. He’d already told Luke things he never told anybody before. It felt oddly right to tell him. He knew somehow that Luke would understand... wouldn’t judge... would provide comfort._

_And he had just discovered how much Luke could make him laugh. He’d had few moments in his life when he’d laughed so much his stomach actually burned in pain, but Luke’s joke’s were quick; their conversations seemed naturally laced in friendly banter. He felt relaxed around Luke._

_He felt like he could be himself._

_He was having fun! He hadn’t had so much fun with another person for… actually he couldn’t remember ever having so much fun._

_“That was awesome!” Noah sang, as they ran back into the kitchen still in swimsuits... wet and refreshed from their swim. “Who need’s A.C. when you have your own pond?”_

_“Yeah,” agreed Luke, “but it makes me **really** hungry! But_ _luckily my grandmother keeps this fridge stocked!” He patted the top of it like it was the best thing in existence._

_When he opened the door and began to extract item after item, Noah began to understand why. “Look! Look! Secret recipe chicken wings,” Luke pointed at those after placing them on the counter. “Very good! Three bean salad! Corn! Um... fresh tomatoes!” He closed the fridge with one hand. “Honeydew melon!” He gave the round object a quick pat. “What looks good?”_

_Noah laughed at his enthusiasm. “Um... all of it?”_

_As Luke walked back around the counter, Noah became suddenly aware of how much water they had traipsed into the house; how much water dripped down his chest. Noah quickly shelved the last thought._

_“Hey dude,” he exclaimed, throwing Luke a towel, “we’re making a flood in here!”_

_“Awww, that doesn’t matter!” insisted Luke good-naturedly, throwing the towel back to him without a care in the world._

_“Oh, yeah?” Noah asked; teasingly whipped Luke with the towel._

_“Whaw!” exclaimed Luke happily, quickly grabbing the other end of the towel; tried to wrestle it back._

_They play fought; tugged the towel back-and-forth laughing... until Luke put all his back into it, so much so that Noah stumbled forward; landed chest-to-chest with Luke._

_Time literally stood still, as though they’d been suddenly thrown into a jar of formaldehyde…_

_Noah wanted… Luke was so… and he felt so… he wanted to… he needed to…_

***

Luke had this way of looking from Noah’s eyes to his lips and back again, that always built up a heat in Noah’s lower regions. This heat would double ten fold when inevitably, Luke’s mouth would drop open; his chest starting to bob up and down as he breathed through it. It was a rich, but subtle movement; so unbelievably seductive, it always amazed Noah how Luke didn’t even know he was doing it.

Usually by this point Luke would have almost imperceptivity bent his head to the right, so that when Noah moved in for a kiss, his lips would fit perfectly against those supple ones; Luke’s mouth already invitingly open for Noah to lap up his tongue. These kisses never started slow! By the time Noah’s mouth met Luke’s, he was always so hot for the other man he’d lose all control, and the kiss would be explosive.

Usually under these circumstances, things would escalate quickly to love making... but not this time. With obvious difficulty, Luke pulled back from Noah, leaving him paused in mid-kiss... eyes still closed. He opened them disappointed; confused by the sudden loss. Luke dimple smiled at him, stealing his breath.

“Sit down.” Luke pulled him over to the bed. Noah sat, watching as Luke set to work lighting the kindling in the fireplace. He crouched before the tiny pile of smoldering wood, a wisp of smoke rising up like incense. Once he had the kindling well lit, he began to gently lay fresh sticks on the fire, building it patiently until it was hot enough to begin adding the larger logs. A burning twig snapped with heat, spurting sparks into the air like fireflies; drifting down... blinking out before they touched the floor.

The atmosphere felt suddenly full of magic and enchantment.

Luke stood then; stretched himself... powerful shoulders rising dark against the candlelight behind him. As he removed his shirt, Noah watched as his arm muscles flexed with that certain grace and power only Luke seemed to possess. Noah found himself breathless at the striking sight of him, his blonde hair gleaming smooth in the firelight. Passion burned deep inside him as Luke approached... hands extended. Noah interlaced them instinctively. As he did, Luke pulled him up to standing; reached down to slide his hands under Noah's shirt. He slid them up and across Noah's shoulders, leaving Noah trembling with desire.

Luke’s hands came to lay flat against Noah’s chest, feeling for the telling rise of a nipple bud. Noah was hardly breathing as Luke knelt down to unbuckle the belt around his hips... undo the button... the zip of his jeans... pull the starchy blue fabric from Noah’s legs.

Noah lifted Luke upward in an urgency to kiss him. It was a long and lingering kiss; Noah's hands roaming down Luke’s firm upper body; fingers finding a way to free Luke from his own pair of jeans. While he stepped out of them, Noah whipped his shirt off; pulled the blonde onto the bed, where they lay naked, skin-to-skin beside the flames. He let out a deep breath of want as Luke pulled him firmly to him, crushing him suddenly against his chest. He could feel that Luke was more than ready for him too; that powerful love and attraction between them driving them forward.

Their legs twined comfortably together. Noah ran his hand up through Luke’s hair, distracted suddenly as the strands shifted beautiful and golden under his fingers. He felt Luke’s eyes on him as Luke's hand stroked his chin, but he was unable to look away from Luke’s hair. He bent to sniff at the honey scented waves; eventually lifted his head to stare deeply into the chocolate brown of Luke’s eyes. He watched as the firelight danced in their depths; felt the electric touch of Luke’s hand as it slipped down from his navel to take hold of his throbbing hardness. He sighed... jerked slightly.

They took their time like that... smelling, touching, adoring; delicately kissing every inch of flesh... until Noah rolled slowly on top of him. He kissed up Luke's neck, found the silk tongue in Luke's mouth; inserted fingers inside him. Luke moaned into the kiss, breathing hard through his nose as Noah explored both cavities of him; readied them both.

"God you feel good..." he whispered into Luke's mouth.

It felt _so_ good being close to Luke... smelling that distinct scent of him… wanting him… having him…

Noah’s lips sought out the deep and soft hollow between his neck and shoulder, which he nuzzled as he entered him. With a deep and resonant groan of pleasure, he closed the boundary of air between them... waited there... licking... nibbling... kissing at the smooth skin of Luke’s lower lip. He relished that moment of joining for as long as he was able. “I love you,” he whispered into Luke’s ear, his own auditory canal filled with the delightful sound of Luke’s soft groans as he waited patiently, for Noah to start moving inside of him.

Luke’s hands... flesh-hot against his skin... explored Noah's back and buttocks... squeezing and periodically pushing down on him... encouraging their bodily connection even closer together; letting gravity deepen the connection. After a few more moments simply enjoying the feel of Luke around him, Noah withdrew... almost fully... then slowly re-entered... expelled another breath... was rewarded by a loud and pleasurable moan from Luke.

It was a slow, dreamy and peaceful form of love making... weighted heavily in breath and feeling. There had been few of these moments since the arrival of Nicholas, who would often wake at night in search of them. For that reason they wanted to savor it. The act for them always far more about their closeness... their love for each other... than their need for natural sexual release. Luke’s body was Noah’s as much as Noah’s was Luke’s.

Noah felt Luke’s foot curl around his leg, locking them together even tighter, so that when they finally erupted, it was as a single heartbeat.

The fire crackled softly to itself, casting red and yellow lights on the wooden walls of the cabin. They were enveloped in a silent peace... hands gently stroking skin... no longer sure whose limbs were whose as they lay in tangled drowsiness.

***

Sometime near morning... the fire now reduced but still providing them with a warm glow; two or three candles still flickering... Noah woke with a deep intake of satisfied air. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes... lifted himself on one elbow... rested his chin against his hand so he could watch Luke sleeping. His eyes roamed around the cabin. The sun had not quite risen, but there was some natural light available, and Noah could make out far more than he could during the night.

Something on the shelf above them made him chuckle. It was a glass jar full of multi-colored sweets. He stretched up to pull the item down to the bed. Luke stirred at the movement; opened his eyes... yawned up at Noah with the back of one hand over his mouth. “Hi...” he croaked with his morning voice.

“Morning…” Noah replied, bending over the jar between them to kiss Luke on the lips. “Thank you for last night. It was amazing. You’re amazing.”

“You deserved it! I couldn’t ask for a more perfect person than you, Noah. You’ve been so patient about everything.” They kissed again, until Luke became aware of the jar in Noah’s hands. He laughed when he saw it. “I see you found Natalie’s present.”

“Yes, I did,” smiled Noah. “It looked a little out of place and I couldn’t resist checking it out.”

“Liar! You just fancied yourself some morning candy. right?”

Noah giggled in the back of his throat. “Okay… you got me!”

The jar was filled to the brim with pastel colored alphabet candy. Luke shifted up in the bed, leaning against the headboard. He pulled the large jar over to himself and popped the lid.

“Not a very healthy breakfast!” Noah admitted with a laugh, staring at Luke from his propped up position on his elbow.

Luke fed him one; grinned with a sudden look of mischievousness. “How’s your spelling?”

“What?”

“Spell…” Luke instructed. He withdrew a letter from the jar.

“I” said Noah; quickly catching on.

Luke nodded; dipped back into the jar... searching; one by one withdrew the letters as Noah spelled them out.

“L…”

“O…” Noah giggled again.

“V…”

“E…” Noah felt his smile broaden with each letter Luke removed.

“Y…”

“O…”

Luke shook the jar vigorously; pulled out the next letter.

“U…”

The withdrawn candy lay in a pile on the bedding between them. During the course of the game, Noah would pop one in his mouth, crunching the tiny objects between his teeth. “I love you too, Luke.”

Luke leaned over, eyes sparkling with relaxed contentment; treated himself to a sticky and sweet kiss from Noah. “Mmm, you taste _real_ good!”

Noah licked his lips as Luke leaned back into the headboard. They stared deeply at each other for some time, until Luke’s expression changed; became suddenly more serious… contemplative… Noah instantly took note. He was just about to ask about it, when Luke extracted another letter... held it up.

“M…” Noah chanted like a child in school, smiling as the game started again.

“A…” he continued.

Luke rooted around in the jar for a few minutes, turning it on its side to find the next letter he wanted. Eventually he held up a blue one.

“R...” at this letter, Noah faulted slightly as his heart began to hammer in his chest. He lifted his eyes to meet Luke’s with a question; swallowed visibly as he read the answer in their depths. By the time Luke lifted the next letter, Noah was no longer looking at the candy in Luke's hand. He didn’t need too... Luke’s eyes were burning with a powerful intensity that said everything.

“R…” Noah's voice had become a whisper.

Luke was slower to reveal the next letter.

“Y…” Noah released a slight hitch as he drew breath.

Luke’s eyes remained fixed and serious. He nodded, holding up the next letter.

“M…” Noah struggled to speak. He started to cry; breath shuddering... eyes never once wavering from Luke’s.

“E…” As he said the last letter, he broke their gaze; lowered his eyes. He stared intently at the mixed up pile of letters between them; violent shot of air escaping his lungs. He felt sure he would die from the level of raw emotion flowing through him. He felt suddenly and strangely exposed... chilled and vulnerable... stripped in one go of the warmth and assurance he'd felt just a moment before. He moved slowly; sat up in the bed... hugged his knees slightly to stay upright.

“I want you Noah,” Luke said from behind him. “I love you.”

Noah shook his head; unable to speak... struck dumb by the intense feelings that constricted his throat. Luke’s question was a paradox. Noah found himself both desperately happy and yet also desperately afraid.

“Noah?”

He felt Luke’s hand stroke gently down his back. It gave him strength to say, “I was always so self-sufficient, you know? So independent… before I met you...” He used the nail of one thumb to scratch at the dry skin of the other as he gathered his thoughts. “Now I can’t stand the thought of being alone. It terrifies me...”

He heard Luke gather up the candy from the bed; return it to the jar so he could replace the vessel back on the shelf above the bed. Luke shifted up behind Noah; straddled him with his legs. Wrapping around him like a warm cloak, Luke rested his chin on Noah’s shoulder. He was so close Noah could feel the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. He was solid… so alive… so real... his hair curling gold against bare skin. The back of his hand touched Noah’s cheek, firm and comforting. Noah moved his head against it. But he continued to tremble. Luke had held him like this before… and he’d still lost him.

Finally Luke spoke softly, “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Noah sobbed at that, leaning back into him... drew Luke’s arms tight around him.

“Noah, I’m just letting you know what I want. And it’s okay… if you’re not ready to answer yet. But when you are, then… then you know I’m waiting for that answer, okay?”

Luke lay back; pulled Noah down with him until his head lay in the crook of Luke’s arm. Luke’s thumb rubbed small circles against Noah's temple, light as the touch of air. Noah grabbed Luke’s other hand in his. Tears ran softly down his cheeks as he spoke, “I feel like I've just been handed everything I ever wanted... and now... I just... I need to know you won’t leave again.”

He felt Luke shake his head; felt his hand squeezed tight. “We’re broken people when we’re apart, Noah… We belong together.”

“I do know that,” Noah said, his voice shaking. “Don’t you get it? That’s _why_ I’m so afraid. I can’t be half a person again, Luke! I couldn’t stand it!”

“Then marry me,” Luke replied calmly.

They lay in silence for a while, Noah reflecting on their past and present... coming to the only conclusion he could. There was no future without Luke. “These are those old feelings I’m having again, aren’t they?”

“Yes,” there was a smile in Luke’s voice.

Noah rolled around to face him. Their eyes locked in fiery contemplation, and finally Noah smiled back softly. “Yes,” he said; zero hesitation in his voice. “Yes, I want to marry you.”

Luke kissed him then for what might have been a long time or no time at all. When they parted they started to laugh, until they were hysterical. Noah spread his hands over Luke’s cheeks, eyes watering from crying and laughing at the same time. “I definitely want to marry you!”

Luke pecked his lips a few times before replying contentedly, “Same here…”


End file.
